So today was a challenge. Our cousin was here for a good portion of the day, but she has to work at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesdays so she couldn't stay all evening till Chris got home. But I thought to myself- no worries, I did it all day by myself last week and survived so this should be a cake walk since it's only 3 hours. I couldn't have been more wrong. The girls woke from a quick nap screaming their lungs out. I fed them, it didn't stop. I changed them, it didn't stop. However if I carried them, they would.
So I decided to attempt to carry both girls at the same time, using a front carrier for one and holding the other on my hip. Well now I know that I can not do that for more than about 5 minutes before my arms, back, and shoulders start screaming bloody murder and want to fall off. So I put them both down. More screaming. I decide to try the "cry it out" method. That lasted about 10 minutes for Izzy who finally wore herself out and passed out in the swing. Alex however refused to sit in the other swing, which we are now going to return since both of them hate it compared to the other one. So I placed her in the bouncy chair which she only hated slightly less than the swing I had just removed her from. So I let her cry and cry and scream. Which then resulted in her vomiting from crying so hard. I gave in and proceeded to carry her around the house to calm her down for the next 45 min till Chris walked in the door. Now it's 2 hours later and Izzy finally went to sleep, after Chris rocking, swaying, and smacking her butt (in the good way!) for an hour. I am terried to go in and lay down because I think if I do and one of the girls wakes up within the next few hours I might just have a breakdown.
So I am off to bed to test how my pysche is doing and if I can handle anther night of broken sleep, pacifer "pushes", and 2 hour feeding/pumping sessions. Good night and good luck
Monday, December 12, 2011
Mother Nature MUST have a sense of humor
So why in the world would mother nature have mothers be sleep deprived, dealing with nursing babies and milk supplies, dirty diapers, screaming babies ad then throw on the chance of post partum depression sprikled on top?? My husband is still on 12 hour shifts so I get everytime one of the girls cries for their pacifers or when they wake up for their night feeding, it's all me. So my sleep is never good sleep. It's broken and in chunks and not restfull. So why in the world would mother nature then give me the possiiltiy of having PPD??? Yesterday I was holding Izzy, trying to rock her to sleep (which is rare, but I think she is fighting a cold) and I was just crying. Partially from pure exhaustion and partially because I just wanted sleep and needed her to calm down.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Yesterday was better
It is so crazy how one day I can feel like the world is ending and cant seem to get out of my funk, but other days seem to be just fine and make me second guess whether I have PPD. But I think that unto itself makes me think I definitely do. Which I am ok with, but I just wish that it didnt feel like it was such a taboo. I know in all the baby books I read they talked about PPD and said that it is so much more socially acceptable, but it still feels like I am the only person I know that has experienced this. No one I know has mentioned they battled it. My close friends who have had children both said that they were fine. A part of me doesn't care. I have battled depression before and I am huge advocate that it shouldn't be something you should be ashamed of, but there is a small part of me that is terrified to admit it out loud to anyone but Chris.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Lonely but want to be alone
"I am so lonely but I have never wanted to be alone so badly"
I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?
I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dark Day
There are some days that don't hurt as much, but that is definintely not today. I can't get the darkness to go away. everything I do, every though I have, every song I hear, it all brings me to Kathleen. I just keep tearing up. I know that eventually the pain will subside, but some days it feels so overwhelming.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past me...me giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past me...me giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A pretty good day so far
Today is one of those days where I think it might be ok all day. The girls are super active and kicking, which I have mixed feelings about lol. I love feeling them and knowing that they are healthy, but I am also very ready for them to make their debut into this world so I can have my body back. To be able to go more than 30 minutes without having to pee. To not feel like I pulled every muscle in my girly parts from just trying to turn sides last night while sleeping. To be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But to know that these girls are doing so well, makes that stuff seem somewhat inconsequential. I picture them with beautiful blue eyes and Chris' amazing lashes (just hopefully not the uni-brow lol). I picture them looking like Kathleen a little, with her beautiful smile and one day her infectious laugh.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Cars 2
So today should be a great day. We have plans to meet up with Laura and her hunny and awesome kiddos for breakfast followed by the special screening of Cars 2 that we have had planned for 3 months. Today however is not the amazing day it should have been. It is bittersweet, just like 99% of everything we do. Today was all for Kathleen. Today should have been our small family of 3(plus the rambuctios twins inside me) celebrating Kathleen and her awesomeness, along with Chris' birthday which is tomorrow. But instead we have to embrace the fact that Kathleen will be there in her own way and this like so many things in our future is how things will be from now on- where we pause and think of her, but we try not to let it bog us down and make everything so painful. It works some times and others I just let the sadness come in, but it is becoming a little easier.
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)