Getting out is the cure!

So my MIL came in last night after Chris called her to come in early so I wouldnt be alone while he finished up his last two days of 12s. A part of me loved him for it because I knew it would make my life easier, but also I hated it because it meant he had to call and tell her "Steph can't do it alone and needs your help" so much so that you need to fly in tonight, not wait and see if you can drive in the next day. I feel bad for him. He works so much lately and has had to deal with me and all my craziness. All the NEW craziness I mean. before I was a little nutso but it was manageable. But the last few weeks has been over the top crazy. The mood swings, the crying, the frustration, the absolute terror that I have been, all while getting up at 3am every freaking day so he can get off at 430 and come home so I can get a break and still be a bitch to him. This whole time he has kept a smile on his face and put up with my shit. So he is even more my hero than he was before, which I wasn't sure was even possible.

But today was better. The main reason is that I went out. It is so tough to get these girls out, but we did it and the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing. We went to the breast feeding support group which I love because it's just a bunch of mothers all sitting around talking and bitching about this wonderful experience in a way that no man or non mother can relate and even my other mom friends can't truly since they don't have newborns. For them it's more of a distant memory not a current event lol.
After the group we went and got lunch and came home for a nap. So today I got two things that I think are going to be essetial. Naps everyday and some fresh air and sunshine.

Well I am headed to bed and hoping that sleep will come. I need to get back to where I used to be in the beginning where the instant my head hits the pillow I am out for the count. Soon :)

I am not the only one

Today Chris got to spend some quality time with the girls while I had a doctor's appointment and did it all by himself for the first time. He survived and did great, but once I got home and it was time for their lunch feeding he got to experience the scream-fest that has become the norm. We aren't sure what is causing the issue but the girls refuse to nurse during the day. As soon as I lay them down, they start to scream. Sometimes if I got to them early enough, they will nurse but only intermittely betweens screams. But unfortunately once I have attempted to nurse them and then we try a bottle, they will continue to scream. It seems that only I can get them to feed from the bottle. They just scream and wail when Chris or my mom tries. However this is a challenge since I usually am trying to nurse the second twin after the first one failed. So what happens is that baby A is screaming in Chris' arms refusing the bottle while I am trying to get baby B to nurse but who is also screaming. So once I can get baby B to calm down and nurse OR I give up and heat up a bottle, I then have to go into another room or Chris does so that way I can feed baby B in peace, then we switch babies and I can feed baby A in pease. Of course by this time Baby A is exhausted from screaming. Yes, this is what life can be like. But I am not at all upset by it. Of course I want to figure out what is going on, I hate when my babies are upset and not happy. But I was also relived to see that Chris was getting super frustrated. I know it might seem obvious but when you do it day in and day out and are beyond exhausted and you feel like you are at whits end, it's nice to see that your wonderful amazing partner gets flustered within 10 minutes. Does that make me a bad wife? Hell no. It just makes me human because today I don't feel inadequte today and that feels good. Off to a nap!!!

Wow, I sound depressing

I was thinking earlier today that I wanted to write a more light hearted post, instead of the dark and twisty as of late. Then an old friend of mine emailed me asking me how I was holding up after she had read these dark and twisty posts, so here I am....let's shine some light on my life :)

Chris and I are madly in love still. Somehow we have survived a horrible tragedy and come across on the other side an even stronger couple. I can't tell you how, but we did and we are so thankful for it. We miss Kathleen every day but we lean on each other and find the strength to keep going each day. He is my hero and I love him more and more every day we are together.

These beautiful girls of mine are amazing. I love them completely and whole heartedly. They truely amaze me every day. I love being able to stay at home and see the first smile. The first laugh. The first roll over. The first tummy time that they didnt absolutely hate. The first time they talked together in their own language and that was only in their first four months. I knew being a SAHM would be a challenge and it definitely has been, but I love being here with them. I just need to get my head on straight...which I hope will happen soon. But it seems to be getting better, talking about it here seems to help. There is a small part of me though that feels like if I complain too much than I am only making it worse, but I also dont want to hide from these feelings and make anything worse. Ugh, this sucks. But I have my fingers crossed, and I know with my husband at my side and my gorgeous girls, I will come out of this feeling better. Just need time and patience.

Beyond tears

So today was a challenge. Our cousin was here for a good portion of the day, but she has to work at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesdays so she couldn't stay all evening till Chris got home. But I thought to myself- no worries, I did it all day by myself last week and survived so this should be a cake walk since it's only 3 hours. I couldn't have been more wrong. The girls woke from a quick nap screaming their lungs out. I fed them, it didn't stop. I changed them, it didn't stop. However if I carried them, they would.
So I decided to attempt to carry both girls at the same time, using a front carrier for one and holding the other on my hip. Well now I know that I can not do that for more than about 5 minutes before my arms, back, and shoulders start screaming bloody murder and want to fall off. So I put them both down. More screaming. I decide to try the "cry it out" method. That lasted about 10 minutes for Izzy who finally wore herself out and passed out in the swing. Alex however refused to sit in the other swing, which we are now going to return since both of them hate it compared to the other one. So I placed her in the bouncy chair which she only hated slightly less than the swing I had just removed her from. So I let her cry and cry and scream. Which then resulted in her vomiting from crying so hard. I gave in and proceeded to carry her around the house to calm her down for the next 45 min till Chris walked in the door. Now it's 2 hours later and Izzy finally went to sleep, after Chris rocking, swaying, and smacking her butt (in the good way!) for an hour. I am terried to go in and lay down because I think if I do and one of the girls wakes up within the next few hours I might just have a breakdown.
So I am off to bed to test how my pysche is doing and if I can handle anther night of broken sleep, pacifer "pushes", and 2 hour feeding/pumping sessions. Good night and good luck

Mother Nature MUST have a sense of humor

So why in the world would mother nature have mothers be sleep deprived, dealing with nursing babies and milk supplies, dirty diapers, screaming babies ad then throw on the chance of post partum depression sprikled on top?? My husband is still on 12 hour shifts so I get everytime one of the girls cries for their pacifers or when they wake up for their night feeding, it's all me. So my sleep is never good sleep. It's broken and in chunks and not restfull. So why in the world would mother nature then give me the possiiltiy of having PPD??? Yesterday I was holding Izzy, trying to rock her to sleep (which is rare, but I think she is fighting a cold) and I was just crying. Partially from pure exhaustion and partially because I just wanted sleep and needed her to calm down.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.

Yesterday was better

It is so crazy how one day I can feel like the world is ending and cant seem to get out of my funk, but other days seem to be just fine and make me second guess whether I have PPD. But I think that unto itself makes me think I definitely do. Which I am ok with, but I just wish that it didnt feel like it was such a taboo. I know in all the baby books I read they talked about PPD and said that it is so much more socially acceptable, but it still feels like I am the only person I know that has experienced this. No one I know has mentioned they battled it. My close friends who have had children both said that they were fine. A part of me doesn't care. I have battled depression before and I am huge advocate that it shouldn't be something you should be ashamed of, but there is a small part of me that is terrified to admit it out loud to anyone but Chris.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.

Lonely but want to be alone

"I am so lonely but I have never wanted to be alone so badly"

I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?