There are some days that don't hurt as much, but that is definintely not today. I can't get the darkness to go away. everything I do, every though I have, every song I hear, it all brings me to Kathleen. I just keep tearing up. I know that eventually the pain will subside, but some days it feels so overwhelming.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past me...me giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A pretty good day so far
Today is one of those days where I think it might be ok all day. The girls are super active and kicking, which I have mixed feelings about lol. I love feeling them and knowing that they are healthy, but I am also very ready for them to make their debut into this world so I can have my body back. To be able to go more than 30 minutes without having to pee. To not feel like I pulled every muscle in my girly parts from just trying to turn sides last night while sleeping. To be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But to know that these girls are doing so well, makes that stuff seem somewhat inconsequential. I picture them with beautiful blue eyes and Chris' amazing lashes (just hopefully not the uni-brow lol). I picture them looking like Kathleen a little, with her beautiful smile and one day her infectious laugh.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Cars 2
So today should be a great day. We have plans to meet up with Laura and her hunny and awesome kiddos for breakfast followed by the special screening of Cars 2 that we have had planned for 3 months. Today however is not the amazing day it should have been. It is bittersweet, just like 99% of everything we do. Today was all for Kathleen. Today should have been our small family of 3(plus the rambuctios twins inside me) celebrating Kathleen and her awesomeness, along with Chris' birthday which is tomorrow. But instead we have to embrace the fact that Kathleen will be there in her own way and this like so many things in our future is how things will be from now on- where we pause and think of her, but we try not to let it bog us down and make everything so painful. It works some times and others I just let the sadness come in, but it is becoming a little easier.
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Getting better
This past weekend was the baby shower and I can not express how hard it was for me. The actual shower was amazing. I was surrounded by my amazing mom, my fabulous friends and wonderful family. It was so incredible and we got so much stuff (i.e. clothes lol) for the girls. The moment I left of course was full on tears. I missed Kathleen so much. She should have been there. She should have helped me open the gifts for her sisters. She should have been there for everything. But she wasn't and I was torn up inside.
But after Saturday, I somehow snapped out of it. I have had some moments of sadness but the last few days I have actually not had a melt down. I have been able to say hi to her each mornin as I pass her picure and only have wonderful memories go through my head. I am able to talk about her and not break down. Not sure if it's a phase, but I am thankful to be able to keep it together. I think a part of me wants to be able to keep it together for Chris. He has been so freaking strong and not broken down at all in front of me but last week, I sobbed WAY too many times. Not that its a contest, just more of a relief to be able to say I am processing things better and not just crying all the time.
But along with copping a little better, I am also exhausted. Off to bed and hopefully the dreams will be the good kind where I dream about how we honor her and her memory, NOT dreams that consist me her still being alive. Thos hurt too much. They seem so real and waking up is just too difficult. Hopefully it's good dreams.
But after Saturday, I somehow snapped out of it. I have had some moments of sadness but the last few days I have actually not had a melt down. I have been able to say hi to her each mornin as I pass her picure and only have wonderful memories go through my head. I am able to talk about her and not break down. Not sure if it's a phase, but I am thankful to be able to keep it together. I think a part of me wants to be able to keep it together for Chris. He has been so freaking strong and not broken down at all in front of me but last week, I sobbed WAY too many times. Not that its a contest, just more of a relief to be able to say I am processing things better and not just crying all the time.
But along with copping a little better, I am also exhausted. Off to bed and hopefully the dreams will be the good kind where I dream about how we honor her and her memory, NOT dreams that consist me her still being alive. Thos hurt too much. They seem so real and waking up is just too difficult. Hopefully it's good dreams.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Anger Day
Today was an angry day....with some amazing news in the middle.
The baby girls are a total of 7 pounds. Both are doing amazing and the doctors are just thrilled with my progress. I am at 29 weeks- they say 32 weeks would be good, 34 weeks would be awesome and 36 is fan-freaking-tastic so I guess time will tell what happens the next few weeks. Such happy news!!
The I left the doc's office, and somehow the anger just crept up over me. I was driving along and just started crying. But not the normal breakdown- this time it was pure anger. Anger at the world. Anger at the powers that be. Anger at the people who were at the pool. Anger at god or whoever is in control. Just pure complete anger. I want her back. I want to hear her laugh and tell me she loves me. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to see Chris' face when she says she loves her daddy. I want it all back. And I know that getting angry will do nothing, but I just couldn't help it. I started yelling in my car and crying more.
Then finally it subsided. Not fully, not completely, but enough where I could drive safely. I just took about a million or so deep breaths and the horrible feeling finally went away. Which I am thankful for. I am not a hateful person. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I hate this accident. But I don't hate the people that were there. I don't hate anything else, but this feeling might come back which I think is normal but I hope it doesn't.
Ok, now it's time to hit the hay.Tired and feel slightly beat up. But also very happy. Ugh, the roller coaster continues....
The baby girls are a total of 7 pounds. Both are doing amazing and the doctors are just thrilled with my progress. I am at 29 weeks- they say 32 weeks would be good, 34 weeks would be awesome and 36 is fan-freaking-tastic so I guess time will tell what happens the next few weeks. Such happy news!!
The I left the doc's office, and somehow the anger just crept up over me. I was driving along and just started crying. But not the normal breakdown- this time it was pure anger. Anger at the world. Anger at the powers that be. Anger at the people who were at the pool. Anger at god or whoever is in control. Just pure complete anger. I want her back. I want to hear her laugh and tell me she loves me. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to see Chris' face when she says she loves her daddy. I want it all back. And I know that getting angry will do nothing, but I just couldn't help it. I started yelling in my car and crying more.
Then finally it subsided. Not fully, not completely, but enough where I could drive safely. I just took about a million or so deep breaths and the horrible feeling finally went away. Which I am thankful for. I am not a hateful person. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I hate this accident. But I don't hate the people that were there. I don't hate anything else, but this feeling might come back which I think is normal but I hope it doesn't.
Ok, now it's time to hit the hay.Tired and feel slightly beat up. But also very happy. Ugh, the roller coaster continues....
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day
We both knew this day would be hell. We both wanted to make sure that we celebrated all of the fathers in our lives, but also not to take away from Chris' pain as he dealt with this day without Kathleen.
I woke up thinking I would be strong and I could go all day without crying- he needed me to be that strong for him. Well I didn't last 5 minutes. Some moments it was just me taking a moment, some moments were for a full tear to stream down my check, while other moments were full on sobs. It didn't matter what I thought about, it always came back to Kathleen.
There was the guilt I felt- this past mother's day, Kathleen woke me up and we had a great day together. She even told me "Happy Mother's Day, Steph" without being prompted...she just said it like she knew it was that day. She told me a million times how much she loved me and how I was her Steph. And this is the part that killed me today. Knowing that Chris wouldn't get to her those words today. He wouldn't get to hear her say so proudly "Happy Father's Day, daddy" like I wanted to pratice her saying. She wouldn't give him gifts that she made at day care like she had given me. These thoughts just brought me to my knees and broke my heart. I haven't told him any of this, I am sure he has had his own thoughts on the subject and is dealing with his own pain on the matter...no need for me to add my own guilt to his pain and heartache.
We went to the cemetary, he wanted to pay his respects to his dad and also say hi to her and Justin his brother. The boy's graves are a dual, so we went these first and said our peace. Since I didn't know Bruce I just thanked him for giving me Chris, and raising such an amazing husband and father. I am not sure how him and Brenda did it, but damn they helped make their son an absolutely amazing person. I also said my peace to Justin- he died too young and I would have liked to have gotten to know him better, also I feel for Payge and Landon- his two children. But if I have to find some closure with Kathleen, I also have to feel that there is a reason that Justin died when he did.
Then we started walking back to the car, and I just couldn't stop crying. Knowing we were going to see her grave. It ws torture. Then I look at him and he is dry eyed. Not sure how he does it. It's amazing how strong he can be. We go and see hi. I usually talk out loud when we have gone to her gravesite before, but I noticed that he never does. So today, I stood there in silence and said my thoughts to her in my head. And he did the same. We just stood there, grieving silently, mourning her, missing her, loving her, without words. We got back into the car and I mentioned how strong he was. That is when he let me know that he alread had his full on break down...it was this morning when we woke up and I was in the bathroom. I love that we can respect each other enough to not push our own way to grieve on the other. I am all about sharing, while he prefers to do it on his own when he feels the need to do so. I would love for him to open out more and really talk about his feelings, but I know that is me being selfish. He doesn't need that, I want that. He needs to be able to grieve how ever he needs. And I have to support that- which thankfully isn't that difficult. Sometimes I find myself wanting him to share more, but then I remind myself that he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready. Past that I just have to trust him, and our bond in this marriage. Which I am also thankful to say is pretty f-ing strong. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this if it wasn't for him and his courage and strength. It is truly an amazing thing.
The bright side in all of this is tomorrow, we get to go see the girls and how much they have grown. I love the ultrasounds where he can come and see them. The smile on his face is one of the most breathtaking things in this world that I have seen- it's pure and absolute pride and joy, happiness and excitement. And lately, these are the emotions that can really make our days, so to be able to share them together now has an even stronger meaning.
So today has been 4 weeks exactly since we hugged our little miss good-bye, told her to be good for her aunt april and got ready for our friends wedding. That night will stay with us forever, but I am hoping that one day soon the pain will ease and our memories of Kathleen will stay as strong as they were just yesterday and we can look at them with smiles and happiness. One day.....
I woke up thinking I would be strong and I could go all day without crying- he needed me to be that strong for him. Well I didn't last 5 minutes. Some moments it was just me taking a moment, some moments were for a full tear to stream down my check, while other moments were full on sobs. It didn't matter what I thought about, it always came back to Kathleen.
There was the guilt I felt- this past mother's day, Kathleen woke me up and we had a great day together. She even told me "Happy Mother's Day, Steph" without being prompted...she just said it like she knew it was that day. She told me a million times how much she loved me and how I was her Steph. And this is the part that killed me today. Knowing that Chris wouldn't get to her those words today. He wouldn't get to hear her say so proudly "Happy Father's Day, daddy" like I wanted to pratice her saying. She wouldn't give him gifts that she made at day care like she had given me. These thoughts just brought me to my knees and broke my heart. I haven't told him any of this, I am sure he has had his own thoughts on the subject and is dealing with his own pain on the matter...no need for me to add my own guilt to his pain and heartache.
We went to the cemetary, he wanted to pay his respects to his dad and also say hi to her and Justin his brother. The boy's graves are a dual, so we went these first and said our peace. Since I didn't know Bruce I just thanked him for giving me Chris, and raising such an amazing husband and father. I am not sure how him and Brenda did it, but damn they helped make their son an absolutely amazing person. I also said my peace to Justin- he died too young and I would have liked to have gotten to know him better, also I feel for Payge and Landon- his two children. But if I have to find some closure with Kathleen, I also have to feel that there is a reason that Justin died when he did.
Then we started walking back to the car, and I just couldn't stop crying. Knowing we were going to see her grave. It ws torture. Then I look at him and he is dry eyed. Not sure how he does it. It's amazing how strong he can be. We go and see hi. I usually talk out loud when we have gone to her gravesite before, but I noticed that he never does. So today, I stood there in silence and said my thoughts to her in my head. And he did the same. We just stood there, grieving silently, mourning her, missing her, loving her, without words. We got back into the car and I mentioned how strong he was. That is when he let me know that he alread had his full on break down...it was this morning when we woke up and I was in the bathroom. I love that we can respect each other enough to not push our own way to grieve on the other. I am all about sharing, while he prefers to do it on his own when he feels the need to do so. I would love for him to open out more and really talk about his feelings, but I know that is me being selfish. He doesn't need that, I want that. He needs to be able to grieve how ever he needs. And I have to support that- which thankfully isn't that difficult. Sometimes I find myself wanting him to share more, but then I remind myself that he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready. Past that I just have to trust him, and our bond in this marriage. Which I am also thankful to say is pretty f-ing strong. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this if it wasn't for him and his courage and strength. It is truly an amazing thing.
The bright side in all of this is tomorrow, we get to go see the girls and how much they have grown. I love the ultrasounds where he can come and see them. The smile on his face is one of the most breathtaking things in this world that I have seen- it's pure and absolute pride and joy, happiness and excitement. And lately, these are the emotions that can really make our days, so to be able to share them together now has an even stronger meaning.
So today has been 4 weeks exactly since we hugged our little miss good-bye, told her to be good for her aunt april and got ready for our friends wedding. That night will stay with us forever, but I am hoping that one day soon the pain will ease and our memories of Kathleen will stay as strong as they were just yesterday and we can look at them with smiles and happiness. One day.....
Friday, June 17, 2011
Another week down
It seems silly to count down and say another week down....it's not like I have a countdown. I mean I do, but thats not why I initially said another week down. Damn, it's a double edge sword.
At first, it's me counting down saying I made another week. I was able to live, and stay strong, and keep moving forward even though there are moments and times where giving up and doing nothing but stay in bed sounds amazing. The overwhelming grief that comes over me at times is unbearable. I think about Kathleen and it breaks my heart. But usually I cry or just breath through it and the pain subsides and finally I can think of her with a huge smile and even a laugh. Thankfully I have Chris. He is so incredibly strong. He does have his moments too, but nothing like me. Thank god we have each other.
Then my count down remark does make sense...since we have another week down till the girls get here. And it can't come soon enough. I want my body back. I want to sleep without having them controlling how I lie or how often I get up to pee. I want to have a glass of wine. Or a cold beer. I want to NOT be a human furnance in the middle of summer. And I really want to meet my girls. I hope that I can control my emotions- the joy and excitment while dealing with the sorrow and sadness. I think I should really talk to someone, make sure that I have all my brain in check. I have nothing against seeing a doc- done it before and will probably do it a few more times in my life. I find it healthy. And I think it'll help.
But this weekend it's all about Chris and Father's Day. So he can enjoy it. So I can tell him a million times over that he is one of the most amazing men I have met, and these girls of ours- all three of them- are so incredibly lucky to have him as their dad. Hope I can keep it together all weekend.
At first, it's me counting down saying I made another week. I was able to live, and stay strong, and keep moving forward even though there are moments and times where giving up and doing nothing but stay in bed sounds amazing. The overwhelming grief that comes over me at times is unbearable. I think about Kathleen and it breaks my heart. But usually I cry or just breath through it and the pain subsides and finally I can think of her with a huge smile and even a laugh. Thankfully I have Chris. He is so incredibly strong. He does have his moments too, but nothing like me. Thank god we have each other.
Then my count down remark does make sense...since we have another week down till the girls get here. And it can't come soon enough. I want my body back. I want to sleep without having them controlling how I lie or how often I get up to pee. I want to have a glass of wine. Or a cold beer. I want to NOT be a human furnance in the middle of summer. And I really want to meet my girls. I hope that I can control my emotions- the joy and excitment while dealing with the sorrow and sadness. I think I should really talk to someone, make sure that I have all my brain in check. I have nothing against seeing a doc- done it before and will probably do it a few more times in my life. I find it healthy. And I think it'll help.
But this weekend it's all about Chris and Father's Day. So he can enjoy it. So I can tell him a million times over that he is one of the most amazing men I have met, and these girls of ours- all three of them- are so incredibly lucky to have him as their dad. Hope I can keep it together all weekend.
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