One of my favorite things in the world is watching my girls sleep. They smile all the time, like they know something the rest of us don't. I heard from a few different people that when babies smile when sleeping they are seeing angels, which makes my heart just melt. They just seem so peaceful. I love this time of day. They are just swinging in their swings, no cares in the world.
But when they are like this, I just want to grab one and hold them on my chest and take a nap so I can get me some sleeping baby love. I love it when they sleep on my chest, even though they never seem to want to do it anymore. But sleeping babies are just so precious. I love them so much. The smile so much now and giggle and laugh more and more every day. It's so fascinating watching them grow. Alex is doing so wonderful at tummy time and just watching the world, while Izzy rolled from her tummy to her back today in front of Chris which I think just melted his heart since he misses so much.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Memories
Yesterday I was driving to get us some dinner and was flooded with random memories. This happens all the time. Sometimes they pass through my head like clouds on a breezy day while other times that stay with me like a dream where I can almost remember every scene, every word, every thought.
Yesterday it was the dream....driving down Ina road 4 years ago just as Chris and I were starting to date and I knew her mother took them on the bus to go to day care in the morning. So as I am driving at 6 am to head to Phoenix for a work thing, I see a woman with this tiny little girl standing at the bus stop in 30 degree weather thinking to myself I think that was them. Should I stop? Should I offer them a ride? But i didn't have a car seat and with traffic I couldn't turn around, but sure enough it was them. She was so tiny. So happy. I could tell in just the few seconds I had to see her that she was just a bright ball of energy.
Then it moved to the first time I really met her. It was at Chris' house. His mom was sewing dresses together for the neices for Grnadpa's wedding. All I heard was this laugh. This sweet giggle from around the corner. She was so shy back then, it is funny to think about her being that way since she changed so much over the years. Finally Chris got her to come out and she just gave me the worlds most brillant smile. I thought to myself that that smile would be the end of me. And it was. But in the best possible way.
She love me reading to her. She would pick up all of her toys at night and then grab her Cars book, the one that was so used that all of the pages were curled and the seam was bent right at the beginning of the Cars story which was in the middle of the Disney combilation book. She would sit on my leg, pull a blanket over us (it could be summer, she didn't care), cuddle up with me and read along with the story. Not that she knew how to read, but because she knew the story by heart. "McQueen was a race car, he was shiny and fast, he wanted one thing...to win the big race".... Chris and I actually can recite the whole story from memory too. But it's a little too painful. But I miss reading to her. I read to Alex and Izzy now and I still tear up. I probably will for years to come. But it's a beautiful memory that I hope never fades.
Alex and Izzy are smiling so much more now. Giggling and laughing just to do it which warms our hearts more than words can express. They look at me and Chris like the know who we are and I love that feeling. They know we will always be there for them. And protect them and love them unconditionaly. Or at least they will know all of that because we will remind them every day. Life is too short and we will cherish every moment we have with them.
Alex is waking...must go get me some baby love. Happy New Year!! Wonder what 2012 will bring!!
Yesterday it was the dream....driving down Ina road 4 years ago just as Chris and I were starting to date and I knew her mother took them on the bus to go to day care in the morning. So as I am driving at 6 am to head to Phoenix for a work thing, I see a woman with this tiny little girl standing at the bus stop in 30 degree weather thinking to myself I think that was them. Should I stop? Should I offer them a ride? But i didn't have a car seat and with traffic I couldn't turn around, but sure enough it was them. She was so tiny. So happy. I could tell in just the few seconds I had to see her that she was just a bright ball of energy.
Then it moved to the first time I really met her. It was at Chris' house. His mom was sewing dresses together for the neices for Grnadpa's wedding. All I heard was this laugh. This sweet giggle from around the corner. She was so shy back then, it is funny to think about her being that way since she changed so much over the years. Finally Chris got her to come out and she just gave me the worlds most brillant smile. I thought to myself that that smile would be the end of me. And it was. But in the best possible way.
She love me reading to her. She would pick up all of her toys at night and then grab her Cars book, the one that was so used that all of the pages were curled and the seam was bent right at the beginning of the Cars story which was in the middle of the Disney combilation book. She would sit on my leg, pull a blanket over us (it could be summer, she didn't care), cuddle up with me and read along with the story. Not that she knew how to read, but because she knew the story by heart. "McQueen was a race car, he was shiny and fast, he wanted one thing...to win the big race".... Chris and I actually can recite the whole story from memory too. But it's a little too painful. But I miss reading to her. I read to Alex and Izzy now and I still tear up. I probably will for years to come. But it's a beautiful memory that I hope never fades.
Alex and Izzy are smiling so much more now. Giggling and laughing just to do it which warms our hearts more than words can express. They look at me and Chris like the know who we are and I love that feeling. They know we will always be there for them. And protect them and love them unconditionaly. Or at least they will know all of that because we will remind them every day. Life is too short and we will cherish every moment we have with them.
Alex is waking...must go get me some baby love. Happy New Year!! Wonder what 2012 will bring!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Such beautiful responses
Yesterday I decided to put it out in there in the world (i.e. Facebook) that I was writing this silly, emotional vomit of a blog. And honestly I can't believe the response I have gotten so far!! Friends, some whom I talk to on a regular basis and others I haven't talked to in years but who are still my "friends", all reached out to me to tell me how much my story means to them. Or how brave they think I am. Or how I said out loud what they had only thought to themselves. I don't want credit or kudos for sharing this, that is not why I did it. I shared it because if anyone out there feels as lost and/or as isolated as I have felt this past month, then I hope this can show them that they aren't alone. That at least I am in the same boat. I feel the same feelings. I know alot of the people who have reached out to me say that they cant imagine what I am going through because of losing Kathleen, but I think they all need to realize that while they might not have lost a child like I did, the other feelings are just as strong and powerful, and scary and suffocating. We all experience different things in our lives and while it is all different, it doesn't mean that one life has had worse things happen than others- it's all subjective in my opinion. I see it like this- so many people see my girls and say "wow, what would it be like to have triplets??" In my head, I can't even imagine what that would be like. Its almost my worst nightmare...I already don't get enough sleep, my milk supply is waning, and I already need to have someone here most of the time to help, so how do people do it when they have three babies??!!! Well that is just the point...you just do it. You don't know any different. I think now how incredibly hard it would be to have had Kathleen around the last few months and taking care of the babies and Chris and I have both admitted that life would be so much harder (yes, of course we would give anyting for her to come back, but we talk about everything including that life is easier without her. It might sound horrible, but it's the ugly ugly truth). But on the flip side, if Kathleen hadn't passed away, we would know no different and would have survived. See, every life is different and somehow we survive. My cousin Katie just had her twins and she is doing it all by herself, which blows my mind since I haven't had more than a handful of days all by myself. Do I beat myself up for feeling inadaquate?? Hell yes. Do I wonder how she can handle it and I can't? Hell yes. Is it a constant struggle not to compare? Absolutely, but then I have those moments where I remind myself "what does it matter"
So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.
On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.
So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.
On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Things are easier
It's been crazy around here, but we survived Christmas. It actually wasn't that bad, but I think it was mostly due to Chris being home the whole weekend. Not sure I could have survived his family invading our house without him here.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Not much of a funk lately
Wow, it's crazy how you can feel so much better when things were looking so gray just a few days ago or in my case, last week. I think it has alot to do with Chris' schedule (I honestly don't know how couples survive deployments- they have my full respect, even though they already had it before this revelation), and also getting out of the house more. Had drinks with a great friend of mine last week and even though I felt like I had nothing to talk about or add to the conversation, it was still wonderful to get out of the house and not have a baby drooling on my shoulder.
The girls are now definitely in the realm of teething. I find it funny that when anyone sees that they are fussy or cranky they automaticvally assume that they are teething. Well now it's actually the cause, we can feel them cutting through and I can only imagine that it can't feel great. I hope that is the only thing going on with them, cause the last few days have been a little rough. Lots of fussiness but I am handling it alot better than the last few weeks. My fuse is MUCH longer and can handle quite a bit more without getting super frustrated and needing to count or take a few deep breaths. This increase in patience also makes me feel better. More in control of both me, my emotions and the situation- or my lack of the situation but being ok with that. I know can accept that I can only do so much for them and beyond that I can only hold them and tell them I am here for them and do my best, but past that they are just babies and screaming is par for the course.
Now of to bed. Wonder how many consecutive hours I might be able to get tonight.....
The girls are now definitely in the realm of teething. I find it funny that when anyone sees that they are fussy or cranky they automaticvally assume that they are teething. Well now it's actually the cause, we can feel them cutting through and I can only imagine that it can't feel great. I hope that is the only thing going on with them, cause the last few days have been a little rough. Lots of fussiness but I am handling it alot better than the last few weeks. My fuse is MUCH longer and can handle quite a bit more without getting super frustrated and needing to count or take a few deep breaths. This increase in patience also makes me feel better. More in control of both me, my emotions and the situation- or my lack of the situation but being ok with that. I know can accept that I can only do so much for them and beyond that I can only hold them and tell them I am here for them and do my best, but past that they are just babies and screaming is par for the course.
Now of to bed. Wonder how many consecutive hours I might be able to get tonight.....
Monday, December 19, 2011
One day at a time
Its crazy the ups and downs that one can experience in a single day as a mother. Thankfully today was mostly ups. I am feeling better. Much less "funky" than I have been lately which is a great and welcome change. I think Chris being back on normal shirt and him being home this last weekend made a huge difference. However I do find it funny that as grateful as we both were for him to be home, we also had a hard time transitioning into what it's like. We snapped at each other, were short with each other and basically had alot of "reset" moments. Maybe one day I will explain the reset button. But we are used to these types of transitions when he is gone for awhile or on crazy shifts. It's to be expected and we survived.
Thankfully we had sex. I am not going to turn this blog into a racy detail filled look into our sex life, however I think it is important to make sure that during this whole thing to make sure we keep our intimacy center stage as possible. Over the last month, I have been so blue and funky where all I wanted was to be held by him and have that connection, but I also couldn't stand him touching me. Those moments were thankfully few and far between, but they were there. So I am glad that the first chance we got, we were able to have some time alone together and it didn't just turn in to us passing out instantly.
The girls are doing so amazing. I can't believe how fast they grow and it's only been 4 months. Tonight Izzy was miserable from some medicine we gave her and she actually let me rock her to sleep while laying on my chest. That hasnt happened since they were probably 2 months old. Now for some people that two month gap might not be anything, but to me it's such a long time since I was able to cuddle with one of my girls and it was incredible. That is how to end a good day. Even with all the screaming and crying, having one of my beauties asleep on my chest is definitely how to end a day.
Thankfully we had sex. I am not going to turn this blog into a racy detail filled look into our sex life, however I think it is important to make sure that during this whole thing to make sure we keep our intimacy center stage as possible. Over the last month, I have been so blue and funky where all I wanted was to be held by him and have that connection, but I also couldn't stand him touching me. Those moments were thankfully few and far between, but they were there. So I am glad that the first chance we got, we were able to have some time alone together and it didn't just turn in to us passing out instantly.
The girls are doing so amazing. I can't believe how fast they grow and it's only been 4 months. Tonight Izzy was miserable from some medicine we gave her and she actually let me rock her to sleep while laying on my chest. That hasnt happened since they were probably 2 months old. Now for some people that two month gap might not be anything, but to me it's such a long time since I was able to cuddle with one of my girls and it was incredible. That is how to end a good day. Even with all the screaming and crying, having one of my beauties asleep on my chest is definitely how to end a day.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Vodka is good
Survived another day and tonight got to enjoy two very tasty adult beverages. Hope sleep comes to this very sleep momma.
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