There are some days that don't hurt as much, but that is definintely not today. I can't get the darkness to go away. everything I do, every though I have, every song I hear, it all brings me to Kathleen. I just keep tearing up. I know that eventually the pain will subside, but some days it feels so overwhelming.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past me...me giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A pretty good day so far
Today is one of those days where I think it might be ok all day. The girls are super active and kicking, which I have mixed feelings about lol. I love feeling them and knowing that they are healthy, but I am also very ready for them to make their debut into this world so I can have my body back. To be able to go more than 30 minutes without having to pee. To not feel like I pulled every muscle in my girly parts from just trying to turn sides last night while sleeping. To be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But to know that these girls are doing so well, makes that stuff seem somewhat inconsequential. I picture them with beautiful blue eyes and Chris' amazing lashes (just hopefully not the uni-brow lol). I picture them looking like Kathleen a little, with her beautiful smile and one day her infectious laugh.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Cars 2
So today should be a great day. We have plans to meet up with Laura and her hunny and awesome kiddos for breakfast followed by the special screening of Cars 2 that we have had planned for 3 months. Today however is not the amazing day it should have been. It is bittersweet, just like 99% of everything we do. Today was all for Kathleen. Today should have been our small family of 3(plus the rambuctios twins inside me) celebrating Kathleen and her awesomeness, along with Chris' birthday which is tomorrow. But instead we have to embrace the fact that Kathleen will be there in her own way and this like so many things in our future is how things will be from now on- where we pause and think of her, but we try not to let it bog us down and make everything so painful. It works some times and others I just let the sadness come in, but it is becoming a little easier.
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
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