So today should be a great day. We have plans to meet up with Laura and her hunny and awesome kiddos for breakfast followed by the special screening of Cars 2 that we have had planned for 3 months. Today however is not the amazing day it should have been. It is bittersweet, just like 99% of everything we do. Today was all for Kathleen. Today should have been our small family of 3(plus the rambuctios twins inside me) celebrating Kathleen and her awesomeness, along with Chris' birthday which is tomorrow. But instead we have to embrace the fact that Kathleen will be there in her own way and this like so many things in our future is how things will be from now on- where we pause and think of her, but we try not to let it bog us down and make everything so painful. It works some times and others I just let the sadness come in, but it is becoming a little easier.
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!