Today is one of those days where I think it might be ok all day. The girls are super active and kicking, which I have mixed feelings about lol. I love feeling them and knowing that they are healthy, but I am also very ready for them to make their debut into this world so I can have my body back. To be able to go more than 30 minutes without having to pee. To not feel like I pulled every muscle in my girly parts from just trying to turn sides last night while sleeping. To be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But to know that these girls are doing so well, makes that stuff seem somewhat inconsequential. I picture them with beautiful blue eyes and Chris' amazing lashes (just hopefully not the uni-brow lol). I picture them looking like Kathleen a little, with her beautiful smile and one day her infectious laugh.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
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