Yesterday I was driving to get us some dinner and was flooded with random memories. This happens all the time. Sometimes they pass through my head like clouds on a breezy day while other times that stay with me like a dream where I can almost remember every scene, every word, every thought.
Yesterday it was the dream....driving down Ina road 4 years ago just as Chris and I were starting to date and I knew her mother took them on the bus to go to day care in the morning. So as I am driving at 6 am to head to Phoenix for a work thing, I see a woman with this tiny little girl standing at the bus stop in 30 degree weather thinking to myself I think that was them. Should I stop? Should I offer them a ride? But i didn't have a car seat and with traffic I couldn't turn around, but sure enough it was them. She was so tiny. So happy. I could tell in just the few seconds I had to see her that she was just a bright ball of energy.
Then it moved to the first time I really met her. It was at Chris' house. His mom was sewing dresses together for the neices for Grnadpa's wedding. All I heard was this laugh. This sweet giggle from around the corner. She was so shy back then, it is funny to think about her being that way since she changed so much over the years. Finally Chris got her to come out and she just gave me the worlds most brillant smile. I thought to myself that that smile would be the end of me. And it was. But in the best possible way.
She love me reading to her. She would pick up all of her toys at night and then grab her Cars book, the one that was so used that all of the pages were curled and the seam was bent right at the beginning of the Cars story which was in the middle of the Disney combilation book. She would sit on my leg, pull a blanket over us (it could be summer, she didn't care), cuddle up with me and read along with the story. Not that she knew how to read, but because she knew the story by heart. "McQueen was a race car, he was shiny and fast, he wanted one thing...to win the big race".... Chris and I actually can recite the whole story from memory too. But it's a little too painful. But I miss reading to her. I read to Alex and Izzy now and I still tear up. I probably will for years to come. But it's a beautiful memory that I hope never fades.
Alex and Izzy are smiling so much more now. Giggling and laughing just to do it which warms our hearts more than words can express. They look at me and Chris like the know who we are and I love that feeling. They know we will always be there for them. And protect them and love them unconditionaly. Or at least they will know all of that because we will remind them every day. Life is too short and we will cherish every moment we have with them.
Alex is waking...must go get me some baby love. Happy New Year!! Wonder what 2012 will bring!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Such beautiful responses
Yesterday I decided to put it out in there in the world (i.e. Facebook) that I was writing this silly, emotional vomit of a blog. And honestly I can't believe the response I have gotten so far!! Friends, some whom I talk to on a regular basis and others I haven't talked to in years but who are still my "friends", all reached out to me to tell me how much my story means to them. Or how brave they think I am. Or how I said out loud what they had only thought to themselves. I don't want credit or kudos for sharing this, that is not why I did it. I shared it because if anyone out there feels as lost and/or as isolated as I have felt this past month, then I hope this can show them that they aren't alone. That at least I am in the same boat. I feel the same feelings. I know alot of the people who have reached out to me say that they cant imagine what I am going through because of losing Kathleen, but I think they all need to realize that while they might not have lost a child like I did, the other feelings are just as strong and powerful, and scary and suffocating. We all experience different things in our lives and while it is all different, it doesn't mean that one life has had worse things happen than others- it's all subjective in my opinion. I see it like this- so many people see my girls and say "wow, what would it be like to have triplets??" In my head, I can't even imagine what that would be like. Its almost my worst nightmare...I already don't get enough sleep, my milk supply is waning, and I already need to have someone here most of the time to help, so how do people do it when they have three babies??!!! Well that is just the point...you just do it. You don't know any different. I think now how incredibly hard it would be to have had Kathleen around the last few months and taking care of the babies and Chris and I have both admitted that life would be so much harder (yes, of course we would give anyting for her to come back, but we talk about everything including that life is easier without her. It might sound horrible, but it's the ugly ugly truth). But on the flip side, if Kathleen hadn't passed away, we would know no different and would have survived. See, every life is different and somehow we survive. My cousin Katie just had her twins and she is doing it all by herself, which blows my mind since I haven't had more than a handful of days all by myself. Do I beat myself up for feeling inadaquate?? Hell yes. Do I wonder how she can handle it and I can't? Hell yes. Is it a constant struggle not to compare? Absolutely, but then I have those moments where I remind myself "what does it matter"
So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.
On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.
So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.
On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Things are easier
It's been crazy around here, but we survived Christmas. It actually wasn't that bad, but I think it was mostly due to Chris being home the whole weekend. Not sure I could have survived his family invading our house without him here.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Not much of a funk lately
Wow, it's crazy how you can feel so much better when things were looking so gray just a few days ago or in my case, last week. I think it has alot to do with Chris' schedule (I honestly don't know how couples survive deployments- they have my full respect, even though they already had it before this revelation), and also getting out of the house more. Had drinks with a great friend of mine last week and even though I felt like I had nothing to talk about or add to the conversation, it was still wonderful to get out of the house and not have a baby drooling on my shoulder.
The girls are now definitely in the realm of teething. I find it funny that when anyone sees that they are fussy or cranky they automaticvally assume that they are teething. Well now it's actually the cause, we can feel them cutting through and I can only imagine that it can't feel great. I hope that is the only thing going on with them, cause the last few days have been a little rough. Lots of fussiness but I am handling it alot better than the last few weeks. My fuse is MUCH longer and can handle quite a bit more without getting super frustrated and needing to count or take a few deep breaths. This increase in patience also makes me feel better. More in control of both me, my emotions and the situation- or my lack of the situation but being ok with that. I know can accept that I can only do so much for them and beyond that I can only hold them and tell them I am here for them and do my best, but past that they are just babies and screaming is par for the course.
Now of to bed. Wonder how many consecutive hours I might be able to get tonight.....
The girls are now definitely in the realm of teething. I find it funny that when anyone sees that they are fussy or cranky they automaticvally assume that they are teething. Well now it's actually the cause, we can feel them cutting through and I can only imagine that it can't feel great. I hope that is the only thing going on with them, cause the last few days have been a little rough. Lots of fussiness but I am handling it alot better than the last few weeks. My fuse is MUCH longer and can handle quite a bit more without getting super frustrated and needing to count or take a few deep breaths. This increase in patience also makes me feel better. More in control of both me, my emotions and the situation- or my lack of the situation but being ok with that. I know can accept that I can only do so much for them and beyond that I can only hold them and tell them I am here for them and do my best, but past that they are just babies and screaming is par for the course.
Now of to bed. Wonder how many consecutive hours I might be able to get tonight.....
Monday, December 19, 2011
One day at a time
Its crazy the ups and downs that one can experience in a single day as a mother. Thankfully today was mostly ups. I am feeling better. Much less "funky" than I have been lately which is a great and welcome change. I think Chris being back on normal shirt and him being home this last weekend made a huge difference. However I do find it funny that as grateful as we both were for him to be home, we also had a hard time transitioning into what it's like. We snapped at each other, were short with each other and basically had alot of "reset" moments. Maybe one day I will explain the reset button. But we are used to these types of transitions when he is gone for awhile or on crazy shifts. It's to be expected and we survived.
Thankfully we had sex. I am not going to turn this blog into a racy detail filled look into our sex life, however I think it is important to make sure that during this whole thing to make sure we keep our intimacy center stage as possible. Over the last month, I have been so blue and funky where all I wanted was to be held by him and have that connection, but I also couldn't stand him touching me. Those moments were thankfully few and far between, but they were there. So I am glad that the first chance we got, we were able to have some time alone together and it didn't just turn in to us passing out instantly.
The girls are doing so amazing. I can't believe how fast they grow and it's only been 4 months. Tonight Izzy was miserable from some medicine we gave her and she actually let me rock her to sleep while laying on my chest. That hasnt happened since they were probably 2 months old. Now for some people that two month gap might not be anything, but to me it's such a long time since I was able to cuddle with one of my girls and it was incredible. That is how to end a good day. Even with all the screaming and crying, having one of my beauties asleep on my chest is definitely how to end a day.
Thankfully we had sex. I am not going to turn this blog into a racy detail filled look into our sex life, however I think it is important to make sure that during this whole thing to make sure we keep our intimacy center stage as possible. Over the last month, I have been so blue and funky where all I wanted was to be held by him and have that connection, but I also couldn't stand him touching me. Those moments were thankfully few and far between, but they were there. So I am glad that the first chance we got, we were able to have some time alone together and it didn't just turn in to us passing out instantly.
The girls are doing so amazing. I can't believe how fast they grow and it's only been 4 months. Tonight Izzy was miserable from some medicine we gave her and she actually let me rock her to sleep while laying on my chest. That hasnt happened since they were probably 2 months old. Now for some people that two month gap might not be anything, but to me it's such a long time since I was able to cuddle with one of my girls and it was incredible. That is how to end a good day. Even with all the screaming and crying, having one of my beauties asleep on my chest is definitely how to end a day.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Vodka is good
Survived another day and tonight got to enjoy two very tasty adult beverages. Hope sleep comes to this very sleep momma.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Getting out is the cure!
So my MIL came in last night after Chris called her to come in early so I wouldnt be alone while he finished up his last two days of 12s. A part of me loved him for it because I knew it would make my life easier, but also I hated it because it meant he had to call and tell her "Steph can't do it alone and needs your help" so much so that you need to fly in tonight, not wait and see if you can drive in the next day. I feel bad for him. He works so much lately and has had to deal with me and all my craziness. All the NEW craziness I mean. before I was a little nutso but it was manageable. But the last few weeks has been over the top crazy. The mood swings, the crying, the frustration, the absolute terror that I have been, all while getting up at 3am every freaking day so he can get off at 430 and come home so I can get a break and still be a bitch to him. This whole time he has kept a smile on his face and put up with my shit. So he is even more my hero than he was before, which I wasn't sure was even possible.
But today was better. The main reason is that I went out. It is so tough to get these girls out, but we did it and the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing. We went to the breast feeding support group which I love because it's just a bunch of mothers all sitting around talking and bitching about this wonderful experience in a way that no man or non mother can relate and even my other mom friends can't truly since they don't have newborns. For them it's more of a distant memory not a current event lol.
After the group we went and got lunch and came home for a nap. So today I got two things that I think are going to be essetial. Naps everyday and some fresh air and sunshine.
Well I am headed to bed and hoping that sleep will come. I need to get back to where I used to be in the beginning where the instant my head hits the pillow I am out for the count. Soon :)
But today was better. The main reason is that I went out. It is so tough to get these girls out, but we did it and the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing. We went to the breast feeding support group which I love because it's just a bunch of mothers all sitting around talking and bitching about this wonderful experience in a way that no man or non mother can relate and even my other mom friends can't truly since they don't have newborns. For them it's more of a distant memory not a current event lol.
After the group we went and got lunch and came home for a nap. So today I got two things that I think are going to be essetial. Naps everyday and some fresh air and sunshine.
Well I am headed to bed and hoping that sleep will come. I need to get back to where I used to be in the beginning where the instant my head hits the pillow I am out for the count. Soon :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am not the only one
Today Chris got to spend some quality time with the girls while I had a doctor's appointment and did it all by himself for the first time. He survived and did great, but once I got home and it was time for their lunch feeding he got to experience the scream-fest that has become the norm. We aren't sure what is causing the issue but the girls refuse to nurse during the day. As soon as I lay them down, they start to scream. Sometimes if I got to them early enough, they will nurse but only intermittely betweens screams. But unfortunately once I have attempted to nurse them and then we try a bottle, they will continue to scream. It seems that only I can get them to feed from the bottle. They just scream and wail when Chris or my mom tries. However this is a challenge since I usually am trying to nurse the second twin after the first one failed. So what happens is that baby A is screaming in Chris' arms refusing the bottle while I am trying to get baby B to nurse but who is also screaming. So once I can get baby B to calm down and nurse OR I give up and heat up a bottle, I then have to go into another room or Chris does so that way I can feed baby B in peace, then we switch babies and I can feed baby A in pease. Of course by this time Baby A is exhausted from screaming. Yes, this is what life can be like. But I am not at all upset by it. Of course I want to figure out what is going on, I hate when my babies are upset and not happy. But I was also relived to see that Chris was getting super frustrated. I know it might seem obvious but when you do it day in and day out and are beyond exhausted and you feel like you are at whits end, it's nice to see that your wonderful amazing partner gets flustered within 10 minutes. Does that make me a bad wife? Hell no. It just makes me human because today I don't feel inadequte today and that feels good. Off to a nap!!!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wow, I sound depressing
I was thinking earlier today that I wanted to write a more light hearted post, instead of the dark and twisty as of late. Then an old friend of mine emailed me asking me how I was holding up after she had read these dark and twisty posts, so here I am....let's shine some light on my life :)
Chris and I are madly in love still. Somehow we have survived a horrible tragedy and come across on the other side an even stronger couple. I can't tell you how, but we did and we are so thankful for it. We miss Kathleen every day but we lean on each other and find the strength to keep going each day. He is my hero and I love him more and more every day we are together.
These beautiful girls of mine are amazing. I love them completely and whole heartedly. They truely amaze me every day. I love being able to stay at home and see the first smile. The first laugh. The first roll over. The first tummy time that they didnt absolutely hate. The first time they talked together in their own language and that was only in their first four months. I knew being a SAHM would be a challenge and it definitely has been, but I love being here with them. I just need to get my head on straight...which I hope will happen soon. But it seems to be getting better, talking about it here seems to help. There is a small part of me though that feels like if I complain too much than I am only making it worse, but I also dont want to hide from these feelings and make anything worse. Ugh, this sucks. But I have my fingers crossed, and I know with my husband at my side and my gorgeous girls, I will come out of this feeling better. Just need time and patience.
Chris and I are madly in love still. Somehow we have survived a horrible tragedy and come across on the other side an even stronger couple. I can't tell you how, but we did and we are so thankful for it. We miss Kathleen every day but we lean on each other and find the strength to keep going each day. He is my hero and I love him more and more every day we are together.
These beautiful girls of mine are amazing. I love them completely and whole heartedly. They truely amaze me every day. I love being able to stay at home and see the first smile. The first laugh. The first roll over. The first tummy time that they didnt absolutely hate. The first time they talked together in their own language and that was only in their first four months. I knew being a SAHM would be a challenge and it definitely has been, but I love being here with them. I just need to get my head on straight...which I hope will happen soon. But it seems to be getting better, talking about it here seems to help. There is a small part of me though that feels like if I complain too much than I am only making it worse, but I also dont want to hide from these feelings and make anything worse. Ugh, this sucks. But I have my fingers crossed, and I know with my husband at my side and my gorgeous girls, I will come out of this feeling better. Just need time and patience.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Beyond tears
So today was a challenge. Our cousin was here for a good portion of the day, but she has to work at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesdays so she couldn't stay all evening till Chris got home. But I thought to myself- no worries, I did it all day by myself last week and survived so this should be a cake walk since it's only 3 hours. I couldn't have been more wrong. The girls woke from a quick nap screaming their lungs out. I fed them, it didn't stop. I changed them, it didn't stop. However if I carried them, they would.
So I decided to attempt to carry both girls at the same time, using a front carrier for one and holding the other on my hip. Well now I know that I can not do that for more than about 5 minutes before my arms, back, and shoulders start screaming bloody murder and want to fall off. So I put them both down. More screaming. I decide to try the "cry it out" method. That lasted about 10 minutes for Izzy who finally wore herself out and passed out in the swing. Alex however refused to sit in the other swing, which we are now going to return since both of them hate it compared to the other one. So I placed her in the bouncy chair which she only hated slightly less than the swing I had just removed her from. So I let her cry and cry and scream. Which then resulted in her vomiting from crying so hard. I gave in and proceeded to carry her around the house to calm her down for the next 45 min till Chris walked in the door. Now it's 2 hours later and Izzy finally went to sleep, after Chris rocking, swaying, and smacking her butt (in the good way!) for an hour. I am terried to go in and lay down because I think if I do and one of the girls wakes up within the next few hours I might just have a breakdown.
So I am off to bed to test how my pysche is doing and if I can handle anther night of broken sleep, pacifer "pushes", and 2 hour feeding/pumping sessions. Good night and good luck
So I decided to attempt to carry both girls at the same time, using a front carrier for one and holding the other on my hip. Well now I know that I can not do that for more than about 5 minutes before my arms, back, and shoulders start screaming bloody murder and want to fall off. So I put them both down. More screaming. I decide to try the "cry it out" method. That lasted about 10 minutes for Izzy who finally wore herself out and passed out in the swing. Alex however refused to sit in the other swing, which we are now going to return since both of them hate it compared to the other one. So I placed her in the bouncy chair which she only hated slightly less than the swing I had just removed her from. So I let her cry and cry and scream. Which then resulted in her vomiting from crying so hard. I gave in and proceeded to carry her around the house to calm her down for the next 45 min till Chris walked in the door. Now it's 2 hours later and Izzy finally went to sleep, after Chris rocking, swaying, and smacking her butt (in the good way!) for an hour. I am terried to go in and lay down because I think if I do and one of the girls wakes up within the next few hours I might just have a breakdown.
So I am off to bed to test how my pysche is doing and if I can handle anther night of broken sleep, pacifer "pushes", and 2 hour feeding/pumping sessions. Good night and good luck
Mother Nature MUST have a sense of humor
So why in the world would mother nature have mothers be sleep deprived, dealing with nursing babies and milk supplies, dirty diapers, screaming babies ad then throw on the chance of post partum depression sprikled on top?? My husband is still on 12 hour shifts so I get everytime one of the girls cries for their pacifers or when they wake up for their night feeding, it's all me. So my sleep is never good sleep. It's broken and in chunks and not restfull. So why in the world would mother nature then give me the possiiltiy of having PPD??? Yesterday I was holding Izzy, trying to rock her to sleep (which is rare, but I think she is fighting a cold) and I was just crying. Partially from pure exhaustion and partially because I just wanted sleep and needed her to calm down.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Yesterday was better
It is so crazy how one day I can feel like the world is ending and cant seem to get out of my funk, but other days seem to be just fine and make me second guess whether I have PPD. But I think that unto itself makes me think I definitely do. Which I am ok with, but I just wish that it didnt feel like it was such a taboo. I know in all the baby books I read they talked about PPD and said that it is so much more socially acceptable, but it still feels like I am the only person I know that has experienced this. No one I know has mentioned they battled it. My close friends who have had children both said that they were fine. A part of me doesn't care. I have battled depression before and I am huge advocate that it shouldn't be something you should be ashamed of, but there is a small part of me that is terrified to admit it out loud to anyone but Chris.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Lonely but want to be alone
"I am so lonely but I have never wanted to be alone so badly"
I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?
I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dark Day
There are some days that don't hurt as much, but that is definintely not today. I can't get the darkness to go away. everything I do, every though I have, every song I hear, it all brings me to Kathleen. I just keep tearing up. I know that eventually the pain will subside, but some days it feels so overwhelming.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past me...me giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past me...me giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A pretty good day so far
Today is one of those days where I think it might be ok all day. The girls are super active and kicking, which I have mixed feelings about lol. I love feeling them and knowing that they are healthy, but I am also very ready for them to make their debut into this world so I can have my body back. To be able to go more than 30 minutes without having to pee. To not feel like I pulled every muscle in my girly parts from just trying to turn sides last night while sleeping. To be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But to know that these girls are doing so well, makes that stuff seem somewhat inconsequential. I picture them with beautiful blue eyes and Chris' amazing lashes (just hopefully not the uni-brow lol). I picture them looking like Kathleen a little, with her beautiful smile and one day her infectious laugh.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
That is one of the things I miss the most. The laugh. The smile. And my hugs. The hugs where I would sit on the ground and she would sit in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze so hard and tell me how she is "my kathleen" and then I would tell her I am "her steph". I miss those hugs more than anything some days. But its getting easier to remember those moments without breaking down. Now it's more of a single tear or just getting a little choked up.
Today was also a "steph song" morning. Kathleen loved music, and so do her sisters!!! So whenever I fell in love with a new song, Kathleen would know it almost instantly and dub it "Steph's song". I had so mnay songs its crazy. And today, the radio just played them in order. I got Train's "Hey Soul Sister", OneRepublic's "Secrets" and their new one "Good Day" which hadn't been released yet when Kathleen passed, but I promise you it would have been a "Steph song" immediately and I think she knows it up there. Then I got a few of "Kathleen's songs" which include anything from Green Day, Pink's "Raise your Glass" and Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". Listening to these songs can be brutal, but also can lift my spirits- it just depends on the day and how my mood is. But today was a good day. I just enjoyed listening to them and letting the different random memories wash over me of Kathleen jamming out to them.
I have to say that I love Chris more and more each day. Some how he keeps it together. Always. He has his moments, but for the most part he is a rock. And I need that. I just hope that he also can rely on me. Guess time will tell. But he is amazing and I just felt like I talk about the girls enough, that I should also throw it out there that he is my prince charming and I would not be able to do any of this without him.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Cars 2
So today should be a great day. We have plans to meet up with Laura and her hunny and awesome kiddos for breakfast followed by the special screening of Cars 2 that we have had planned for 3 months. Today however is not the amazing day it should have been. It is bittersweet, just like 99% of everything we do. Today was all for Kathleen. Today should have been our small family of 3(plus the rambuctios twins inside me) celebrating Kathleen and her awesomeness, along with Chris' birthday which is tomorrow. But instead we have to embrace the fact that Kathleen will be there in her own way and this like so many things in our future is how things will be from now on- where we pause and think of her, but we try not to let it bog us down and make everything so painful. It works some times and others I just let the sadness come in, but it is becoming a little easier.
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
I still need to call the mental health line next week through the base and make an appointment. One of my friends last week brought up a very good point which I had thought about sporadically but not in the way she brought it up....due to my previous stints with depression (only twice and both times I got help and overcame that horrible sinking devastrating feeling), there is a possibility that I am more suseptable to post partum depression. And you throw in the roller coaster that will be the girls birth, I just hope that my mental health can survive this. But I will be taking the steps to make sure it does. And I know that I am lucky to have a great support system- my hubby is by far the most amazing thing in my life, followed closely only by our beautiful 3 girls that we are so blessed to have had in our life so I want to make sure that I take care of myself for all of them.
The girls are kicking the crap out of me. They move so much it actually hurts. They are getting so big that when they do move it is like moving a watermellon with limbs in a....ok, I am too tired to think of something that works in this analogy but lets just say it hurts. For most full term babies, they weigh about 8 pounds and the women will have the babies in a week or so. I have about 8 pounds of babies inside me and I have 5 weeks left. The pressure and pain is going to be horrendous, but I really want to make sure they stay in for as long as I possibly can. I would rather have the pain and pressure in me, than the girls having to spent too much time in the NICU. It's what I can do as a mother. One of the first things I can do- and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Getting better
This past weekend was the baby shower and I can not express how hard it was for me. The actual shower was amazing. I was surrounded by my amazing mom, my fabulous friends and wonderful family. It was so incredible and we got so much stuff (i.e. clothes lol) for the girls. The moment I left of course was full on tears. I missed Kathleen so much. She should have been there. She should have helped me open the gifts for her sisters. She should have been there for everything. But she wasn't and I was torn up inside.
But after Saturday, I somehow snapped out of it. I have had some moments of sadness but the last few days I have actually not had a melt down. I have been able to say hi to her each mornin as I pass her picure and only have wonderful memories go through my head. I am able to talk about her and not break down. Not sure if it's a phase, but I am thankful to be able to keep it together. I think a part of me wants to be able to keep it together for Chris. He has been so freaking strong and not broken down at all in front of me but last week, I sobbed WAY too many times. Not that its a contest, just more of a relief to be able to say I am processing things better and not just crying all the time.
But along with copping a little better, I am also exhausted. Off to bed and hopefully the dreams will be the good kind where I dream about how we honor her and her memory, NOT dreams that consist me her still being alive. Thos hurt too much. They seem so real and waking up is just too difficult. Hopefully it's good dreams.
But after Saturday, I somehow snapped out of it. I have had some moments of sadness but the last few days I have actually not had a melt down. I have been able to say hi to her each mornin as I pass her picure and only have wonderful memories go through my head. I am able to talk about her and not break down. Not sure if it's a phase, but I am thankful to be able to keep it together. I think a part of me wants to be able to keep it together for Chris. He has been so freaking strong and not broken down at all in front of me but last week, I sobbed WAY too many times. Not that its a contest, just more of a relief to be able to say I am processing things better and not just crying all the time.
But along with copping a little better, I am also exhausted. Off to bed and hopefully the dreams will be the good kind where I dream about how we honor her and her memory, NOT dreams that consist me her still being alive. Thos hurt too much. They seem so real and waking up is just too difficult. Hopefully it's good dreams.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Anger Day
Today was an angry day....with some amazing news in the middle.
The baby girls are a total of 7 pounds. Both are doing amazing and the doctors are just thrilled with my progress. I am at 29 weeks- they say 32 weeks would be good, 34 weeks would be awesome and 36 is fan-freaking-tastic so I guess time will tell what happens the next few weeks. Such happy news!!
The I left the doc's office, and somehow the anger just crept up over me. I was driving along and just started crying. But not the normal breakdown- this time it was pure anger. Anger at the world. Anger at the powers that be. Anger at the people who were at the pool. Anger at god or whoever is in control. Just pure complete anger. I want her back. I want to hear her laugh and tell me she loves me. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to see Chris' face when she says she loves her daddy. I want it all back. And I know that getting angry will do nothing, but I just couldn't help it. I started yelling in my car and crying more.
Then finally it subsided. Not fully, not completely, but enough where I could drive safely. I just took about a million or so deep breaths and the horrible feeling finally went away. Which I am thankful for. I am not a hateful person. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I hate this accident. But I don't hate the people that were there. I don't hate anything else, but this feeling might come back which I think is normal but I hope it doesn't.
Ok, now it's time to hit the hay.Tired and feel slightly beat up. But also very happy. Ugh, the roller coaster continues....
The baby girls are a total of 7 pounds. Both are doing amazing and the doctors are just thrilled with my progress. I am at 29 weeks- they say 32 weeks would be good, 34 weeks would be awesome and 36 is fan-freaking-tastic so I guess time will tell what happens the next few weeks. Such happy news!!
The I left the doc's office, and somehow the anger just crept up over me. I was driving along and just started crying. But not the normal breakdown- this time it was pure anger. Anger at the world. Anger at the powers that be. Anger at the people who were at the pool. Anger at god or whoever is in control. Just pure complete anger. I want her back. I want to hear her laugh and tell me she loves me. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to see Chris' face when she says she loves her daddy. I want it all back. And I know that getting angry will do nothing, but I just couldn't help it. I started yelling in my car and crying more.
Then finally it subsided. Not fully, not completely, but enough where I could drive safely. I just took about a million or so deep breaths and the horrible feeling finally went away. Which I am thankful for. I am not a hateful person. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I hate this accident. But I don't hate the people that were there. I don't hate anything else, but this feeling might come back which I think is normal but I hope it doesn't.
Ok, now it's time to hit the hay.Tired and feel slightly beat up. But also very happy. Ugh, the roller coaster continues....
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day
We both knew this day would be hell. We both wanted to make sure that we celebrated all of the fathers in our lives, but also not to take away from Chris' pain as he dealt with this day without Kathleen.
I woke up thinking I would be strong and I could go all day without crying- he needed me to be that strong for him. Well I didn't last 5 minutes. Some moments it was just me taking a moment, some moments were for a full tear to stream down my check, while other moments were full on sobs. It didn't matter what I thought about, it always came back to Kathleen.
There was the guilt I felt- this past mother's day, Kathleen woke me up and we had a great day together. She even told me "Happy Mother's Day, Steph" without being prompted...she just said it like she knew it was that day. She told me a million times how much she loved me and how I was her Steph. And this is the part that killed me today. Knowing that Chris wouldn't get to her those words today. He wouldn't get to hear her say so proudly "Happy Father's Day, daddy" like I wanted to pratice her saying. She wouldn't give him gifts that she made at day care like she had given me. These thoughts just brought me to my knees and broke my heart. I haven't told him any of this, I am sure he has had his own thoughts on the subject and is dealing with his own pain on the matter...no need for me to add my own guilt to his pain and heartache.
We went to the cemetary, he wanted to pay his respects to his dad and also say hi to her and Justin his brother. The boy's graves are a dual, so we went these first and said our peace. Since I didn't know Bruce I just thanked him for giving me Chris, and raising such an amazing husband and father. I am not sure how him and Brenda did it, but damn they helped make their son an absolutely amazing person. I also said my peace to Justin- he died too young and I would have liked to have gotten to know him better, also I feel for Payge and Landon- his two children. But if I have to find some closure with Kathleen, I also have to feel that there is a reason that Justin died when he did.
Then we started walking back to the car, and I just couldn't stop crying. Knowing we were going to see her grave. It ws torture. Then I look at him and he is dry eyed. Not sure how he does it. It's amazing how strong he can be. We go and see hi. I usually talk out loud when we have gone to her gravesite before, but I noticed that he never does. So today, I stood there in silence and said my thoughts to her in my head. And he did the same. We just stood there, grieving silently, mourning her, missing her, loving her, without words. We got back into the car and I mentioned how strong he was. That is when he let me know that he alread had his full on break down...it was this morning when we woke up and I was in the bathroom. I love that we can respect each other enough to not push our own way to grieve on the other. I am all about sharing, while he prefers to do it on his own when he feels the need to do so. I would love for him to open out more and really talk about his feelings, but I know that is me being selfish. He doesn't need that, I want that. He needs to be able to grieve how ever he needs. And I have to support that- which thankfully isn't that difficult. Sometimes I find myself wanting him to share more, but then I remind myself that he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready. Past that I just have to trust him, and our bond in this marriage. Which I am also thankful to say is pretty f-ing strong. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this if it wasn't for him and his courage and strength. It is truly an amazing thing.
The bright side in all of this is tomorrow, we get to go see the girls and how much they have grown. I love the ultrasounds where he can come and see them. The smile on his face is one of the most breathtaking things in this world that I have seen- it's pure and absolute pride and joy, happiness and excitement. And lately, these are the emotions that can really make our days, so to be able to share them together now has an even stronger meaning.
So today has been 4 weeks exactly since we hugged our little miss good-bye, told her to be good for her aunt april and got ready for our friends wedding. That night will stay with us forever, but I am hoping that one day soon the pain will ease and our memories of Kathleen will stay as strong as they were just yesterday and we can look at them with smiles and happiness. One day.....
I woke up thinking I would be strong and I could go all day without crying- he needed me to be that strong for him. Well I didn't last 5 minutes. Some moments it was just me taking a moment, some moments were for a full tear to stream down my check, while other moments were full on sobs. It didn't matter what I thought about, it always came back to Kathleen.
There was the guilt I felt- this past mother's day, Kathleen woke me up and we had a great day together. She even told me "Happy Mother's Day, Steph" without being prompted...she just said it like she knew it was that day. She told me a million times how much she loved me and how I was her Steph. And this is the part that killed me today. Knowing that Chris wouldn't get to her those words today. He wouldn't get to hear her say so proudly "Happy Father's Day, daddy" like I wanted to pratice her saying. She wouldn't give him gifts that she made at day care like she had given me. These thoughts just brought me to my knees and broke my heart. I haven't told him any of this, I am sure he has had his own thoughts on the subject and is dealing with his own pain on the matter...no need for me to add my own guilt to his pain and heartache.
We went to the cemetary, he wanted to pay his respects to his dad and also say hi to her and Justin his brother. The boy's graves are a dual, so we went these first and said our peace. Since I didn't know Bruce I just thanked him for giving me Chris, and raising such an amazing husband and father. I am not sure how him and Brenda did it, but damn they helped make their son an absolutely amazing person. I also said my peace to Justin- he died too young and I would have liked to have gotten to know him better, also I feel for Payge and Landon- his two children. But if I have to find some closure with Kathleen, I also have to feel that there is a reason that Justin died when he did.
Then we started walking back to the car, and I just couldn't stop crying. Knowing we were going to see her grave. It ws torture. Then I look at him and he is dry eyed. Not sure how he does it. It's amazing how strong he can be. We go and see hi. I usually talk out loud when we have gone to her gravesite before, but I noticed that he never does. So today, I stood there in silence and said my thoughts to her in my head. And he did the same. We just stood there, grieving silently, mourning her, missing her, loving her, without words. We got back into the car and I mentioned how strong he was. That is when he let me know that he alread had his full on break down...it was this morning when we woke up and I was in the bathroom. I love that we can respect each other enough to not push our own way to grieve on the other. I am all about sharing, while he prefers to do it on his own when he feels the need to do so. I would love for him to open out more and really talk about his feelings, but I know that is me being selfish. He doesn't need that, I want that. He needs to be able to grieve how ever he needs. And I have to support that- which thankfully isn't that difficult. Sometimes I find myself wanting him to share more, but then I remind myself that he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready. Past that I just have to trust him, and our bond in this marriage. Which I am also thankful to say is pretty f-ing strong. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this if it wasn't for him and his courage and strength. It is truly an amazing thing.
The bright side in all of this is tomorrow, we get to go see the girls and how much they have grown. I love the ultrasounds where he can come and see them. The smile on his face is one of the most breathtaking things in this world that I have seen- it's pure and absolute pride and joy, happiness and excitement. And lately, these are the emotions that can really make our days, so to be able to share them together now has an even stronger meaning.
So today has been 4 weeks exactly since we hugged our little miss good-bye, told her to be good for her aunt april and got ready for our friends wedding. That night will stay with us forever, but I am hoping that one day soon the pain will ease and our memories of Kathleen will stay as strong as they were just yesterday and we can look at them with smiles and happiness. One day.....
Friday, June 17, 2011
Another week down
It seems silly to count down and say another week down....it's not like I have a countdown. I mean I do, but thats not why I initially said another week down. Damn, it's a double edge sword.
At first, it's me counting down saying I made another week. I was able to live, and stay strong, and keep moving forward even though there are moments and times where giving up and doing nothing but stay in bed sounds amazing. The overwhelming grief that comes over me at times is unbearable. I think about Kathleen and it breaks my heart. But usually I cry or just breath through it and the pain subsides and finally I can think of her with a huge smile and even a laugh. Thankfully I have Chris. He is so incredibly strong. He does have his moments too, but nothing like me. Thank god we have each other.
Then my count down remark does make sense...since we have another week down till the girls get here. And it can't come soon enough. I want my body back. I want to sleep without having them controlling how I lie or how often I get up to pee. I want to have a glass of wine. Or a cold beer. I want to NOT be a human furnance in the middle of summer. And I really want to meet my girls. I hope that I can control my emotions- the joy and excitment while dealing with the sorrow and sadness. I think I should really talk to someone, make sure that I have all my brain in check. I have nothing against seeing a doc- done it before and will probably do it a few more times in my life. I find it healthy. And I think it'll help.
But this weekend it's all about Chris and Father's Day. So he can enjoy it. So I can tell him a million times over that he is one of the most amazing men I have met, and these girls of ours- all three of them- are so incredibly lucky to have him as their dad. Hope I can keep it together all weekend.
At first, it's me counting down saying I made another week. I was able to live, and stay strong, and keep moving forward even though there are moments and times where giving up and doing nothing but stay in bed sounds amazing. The overwhelming grief that comes over me at times is unbearable. I think about Kathleen and it breaks my heart. But usually I cry or just breath through it and the pain subsides and finally I can think of her with a huge smile and even a laugh. Thankfully I have Chris. He is so incredibly strong. He does have his moments too, but nothing like me. Thank god we have each other.
Then my count down remark does make sense...since we have another week down till the girls get here. And it can't come soon enough. I want my body back. I want to sleep without having them controlling how I lie or how often I get up to pee. I want to have a glass of wine. Or a cold beer. I want to NOT be a human furnance in the middle of summer. And I really want to meet my girls. I hope that I can control my emotions- the joy and excitment while dealing with the sorrow and sadness. I think I should really talk to someone, make sure that I have all my brain in check. I have nothing against seeing a doc- done it before and will probably do it a few more times in my life. I find it healthy. And I think it'll help.
But this weekend it's all about Chris and Father's Day. So he can enjoy it. So I can tell him a million times over that he is one of the most amazing men I have met, and these girls of ours- all three of them- are so incredibly lucky to have him as their dad. Hope I can keep it together all weekend.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A good day
It's stange to have a "good" day, but so far that is what I would classify today. No meltdowns, no sobbing, no funks.
Just staying busy and having great memories of her. Also, thinking alot of the girls and how things will change so much. I still want to sit down and talk with someone about everything, but today is a pretty good day.
I think talking about it might help just process more of the emotions. How does one process losing one child and within a matter of 2 months give birth to two children and not be racked with guilt? I know it might sound strange, but I am still trying to figure out how to mourn and celebrate Kathleen without it overshadowing the girls impending arrival. Or the other way around- I feel so guilty some days when I just gush and gush about Izzy and Alex becuase I feel I shouldn't be this happy after losing Kathleen only a few weeks ago. Is it ok to feel both absolute joy and happiness AND absolute heartache and pain?? Some days I am just not sure how to process any of it, but then some how I make it through the day and I can smile and function, so I guess the answer is yes. Somehow as humans we can survive and it doesn't make sense, but it's do-able.
Just staying busy and having great memories of her. Also, thinking alot of the girls and how things will change so much. I still want to sit down and talk with someone about everything, but today is a pretty good day.
I think talking about it might help just process more of the emotions. How does one process losing one child and within a matter of 2 months give birth to two children and not be racked with guilt? I know it might sound strange, but I am still trying to figure out how to mourn and celebrate Kathleen without it overshadowing the girls impending arrival. Or the other way around- I feel so guilty some days when I just gush and gush about Izzy and Alex becuase I feel I shouldn't be this happy after losing Kathleen only a few weeks ago. Is it ok to feel both absolute joy and happiness AND absolute heartache and pain?? Some days I am just not sure how to process any of it, but then some how I make it through the day and I can smile and function, so I guess the answer is yes. Somehow as humans we can survive and it doesn't make sense, but it's do-able.
Monday, June 13, 2011
A roller coaster day
So today is not even half way over and it's already been a roller coaster of emotions. Pain. Love. Anxiety. Joy. Doubt. Excitement. Heart ache. Relief. Loss. All of this before 11 in the morning.
I didn't sleep very well last night so this morning I tried to stay in bed and get a few more hours once Chris got up. I did end up sleeping but it was the super light, crazy vivid dreams sleep that I don't really like. So when I woke up, I just felt like I was in a funk. A super funk. I hate these types of funks, cause I feel horrible until something snaps me out of it.
So I just waited for something to happen- good or bad- to snap me out of it. As I was driving into work, still all funky, I started to cry. Just missing Kathleen so much. Wishing I could go back and hug her more. Or tell her more how amazing she was. But I know that this is silly- I told her these things EVERY day. it was almost excessive how much I told her so these thoughts are just silly, and are the grief talking. My next thoughts were I wish I could tell all of my friends and people I see to really cherish their children. To hug them tighter, to not sweat the small stuff so much, to just love their children and never take them for granted. That life is too flipping short and when things like this happen you will always have those types of regrets.
And then the sledgehammer hit me. No snapping me out of it this time, it was like a bulldozer. Life is too short. Life is just too short. So why in the fuck am I sitting in my car crying when I loved Kathleen more than life itself and she loved me back? Why am I crying when I have the most amazing man for my husband who literally has been so strong through this whole thing and we have only become stronger? Why am I crying when I have these two beautiful girls growing in my belly? Would I give anythign to have Kathleen back?? In a heartbeat, but I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and she is in such a better place now.
She is speaking in beautiful long sentences, she is watching all the Nascar and Cars and Toy Story and Lion King she can, she is meeting her family that has passed before her and she is looking down on us with that beautiful smiel of hers.
Will I cry more? Absolutely. Will I still have horrible days/mornings/moments? Of course. Did today help me in my greiving process? More than I can describe.
My girls are healthy and happy. They will be here in 7 weeks...ish. Lets see if they listen to their mommy and daddy :)
I didn't sleep very well last night so this morning I tried to stay in bed and get a few more hours once Chris got up. I did end up sleeping but it was the super light, crazy vivid dreams sleep that I don't really like. So when I woke up, I just felt like I was in a funk. A super funk. I hate these types of funks, cause I feel horrible until something snaps me out of it.
So I just waited for something to happen- good or bad- to snap me out of it. As I was driving into work, still all funky, I started to cry. Just missing Kathleen so much. Wishing I could go back and hug her more. Or tell her more how amazing she was. But I know that this is silly- I told her these things EVERY day. it was almost excessive how much I told her so these thoughts are just silly, and are the grief talking. My next thoughts were I wish I could tell all of my friends and people I see to really cherish their children. To hug them tighter, to not sweat the small stuff so much, to just love their children and never take them for granted. That life is too flipping short and when things like this happen you will always have those types of regrets.
And then the sledgehammer hit me. No snapping me out of it this time, it was like a bulldozer. Life is too short. Life is just too short. So why in the fuck am I sitting in my car crying when I loved Kathleen more than life itself and she loved me back? Why am I crying when I have the most amazing man for my husband who literally has been so strong through this whole thing and we have only become stronger? Why am I crying when I have these two beautiful girls growing in my belly? Would I give anythign to have Kathleen back?? In a heartbeat, but I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and she is in such a better place now.
She is speaking in beautiful long sentences, she is watching all the Nascar and Cars and Toy Story and Lion King she can, she is meeting her family that has passed before her and she is looking down on us with that beautiful smiel of hers.
Will I cry more? Absolutely. Will I still have horrible days/mornings/moments? Of course. Did today help me in my greiving process? More than I can describe.
My girls are healthy and happy. They will be here in 7 weeks...ish. Lets see if they listen to their mommy and daddy :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Almost made it all day
It's been three weeks and I almost made it all day. Till now. I happen to be posting on someone's wall on Facebook and noticed a picture of Kathleen on the top of the page. So I had to click on it, and look through the photo album which was from her last birthday party which was only a month ago. And seeing her smile, I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I had my normal moments today where I would catch myself, but nothing like this. I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss her laughter. I miss everything.
One day this is going to be easier. But I guess right now is my time today to break down. Chris doesn't notice, but that is ok. He doesn't need to comfort me every time. He has his moments too and I can't comfort him every time. I think that is the hardest thing...to not automatically crawl into his arms. I have to really feel this pain and heartache on my own every once in awhile.
Other than that, it's been a pretty good day. Went and did pedicures with Chris and Jill, which we were some what dreading since we always would take Kathleen. So we told one of the girls right away but she doesn't understand me, she just smiles and tells me to put my feet in the water. I then wait for another girl who I think speaks better English, but again, she doesn't really get the full meaning of what I am telling her. So finally the manager shows up and I tell her, and she breaks down and tells the other ladies in Vietemesse and they all cry and give us hugs.
Now I am exhausted. Need sleep. Need to cry. Here we go again.
One day this is going to be easier. But I guess right now is my time today to break down. Chris doesn't notice, but that is ok. He doesn't need to comfort me every time. He has his moments too and I can't comfort him every time. I think that is the hardest thing...to not automatically crawl into his arms. I have to really feel this pain and heartache on my own every once in awhile.
Other than that, it's been a pretty good day. Went and did pedicures with Chris and Jill, which we were some what dreading since we always would take Kathleen. So we told one of the girls right away but she doesn't understand me, she just smiles and tells me to put my feet in the water. I then wait for another girl who I think speaks better English, but again, she doesn't really get the full meaning of what I am telling her. So finally the manager shows up and I tell her, and she breaks down and tells the other ladies in Vietemesse and they all cry and give us hugs.
Now I am exhausted. Need sleep. Need to cry. Here we go again.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The first week down
It's Friday of my first week back to work and somehow I survived. I now know that I have to have a solid and full to do list, and to do my best not to get lazy. Once I lose my focus and motivation, my brain has a tendency to wander and that leads to tears. Some days it was just a few rolling down my check while I typed mindlessly away, and others were full on convulsions. If I wasn't so large and pregnant, the convulsations probably would have had me on the floor in fetal position. But instead, I just sat in my chair, crying, sobbing, both thinking of Kathleen and trying NOT to think about her.
My cousin Jenn, who lost her husband. Wait, before I say anything more about Jen. I want to vent about the use of the term "lose" or "lost" when it comes to someone dying. Who the hell came up with that terminology?? It's not like I woke up one morning and Kathleen just didn't come home cause she was lost. I didn't lose her in a store and at a park. She isn't a toy or my keys that I can't seem to find in my house. She was a wonderful, breathing, beautiful human being that was a victim of an accident. Plain and simple but why is the term "lost" so coloquial?? I guess it might come from people saying to others like me "I am sorry for your loss" but I still find it strange to say I lost her, or that my cousin lost her husband.
He was killed in a motocycle accident. Again, that term- "accident". Another one I have to wrap my head around sometimes. With accidents, there are no warnings. No signals that say "honey, make this goodbye worth it cause it's the last". No time to brace for the shock and pain. Just immediate and strange and excruciating. Anyways, she text me this week to check in. And I said I was holding up. Thats my phrase. I am holding up/hanging in there/etc. And she said one of the best things that has actually helped this week....
My cousin Jenn, who lost her husband. Wait, before I say anything more about Jen. I want to vent about the use of the term "lose" or "lost" when it comes to someone dying. Who the hell came up with that terminology?? It's not like I woke up one morning and Kathleen just didn't come home cause she was lost. I didn't lose her in a store and at a park. She isn't a toy or my keys that I can't seem to find in my house. She was a wonderful, breathing, beautiful human being that was a victim of an accident. Plain and simple but why is the term "lost" so coloquial?? I guess it might come from people saying to others like me "I am sorry for your loss" but I still find it strange to say I lost her, or that my cousin lost her husband.
He was killed in a motocycle accident. Again, that term- "accident". Another one I have to wrap my head around sometimes. With accidents, there are no warnings. No signals that say "honey, make this goodbye worth it cause it's the last". No time to brace for the shock and pain. Just immediate and strange and excruciating. Anyways, she text me this week to check in. And I said I was holding up. Thats my phrase. I am holding up/hanging in there/etc. And she said one of the best things that has actually helped this week....
- You are right life will become "easier". The times you have to yourself when the memories and thoughts come flooding back, EMBRACE them. Too many people try to avoid thinking of their loved ones because of the pain, bit the best thing to do is sit and appreciate this time of reflection, it's healing. It will take time, but someday your thoughts of Kathleen will be happy and without tears. Remember to take quiet time to yourself and with Chris. heal as individuals and as partners.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Back to work
So I made it. I woke up this morning, I got dressed, ate breakfast, and got to work, all without breaking down. Not without some dedication though. Every moment, every action I did, every thought I had was about Kathleen. Kathleen would be asking to turn off my fan right now. Kathleen would be asking to play with her toys right now. Kathleen would be asking me if I was going to be wearing pants right now. But every step I took towards leaving helped in a small way of getting through this first day. I know I will miss her forever, but I hope to find that balance between remembering her and memorilizing her. It's a fine line, but one I hope to find in time.
On the flip side, there are the twins. Healthy, 2 pound twin girls who don't understand what is going on, who don't know yet that they missed out on having an amazing big sister, who are kicking and punching me like when they come out they will be ready to kick box. The emotions of knowing I have these two precious beings inside of me is beyond anything I thought I could experience, but again it's the rollercoaster...how do I cherish these new babies and love them as I know I will without feeling guilty becuase I don't think about Kathleen 24/7. I guess only time will tell.
5 minutes till I officially am at work again. Time to collect myself and put on the brave face and hope that I don't cry with every hug I receive. Crossing my fingers....
On the flip side, there are the twins. Healthy, 2 pound twin girls who don't understand what is going on, who don't know yet that they missed out on having an amazing big sister, who are kicking and punching me like when they come out they will be ready to kick box. The emotions of knowing I have these two precious beings inside of me is beyond anything I thought I could experience, but again it's the rollercoaster...how do I cherish these new babies and love them as I know I will without feeling guilty becuase I don't think about Kathleen 24/7. I guess only time will tell.
5 minutes till I officially am at work again. Time to collect myself and put on the brave face and hope that I don't cry with every hug I receive. Crossing my fingers....
Sunday, June 5, 2011
It's been 2 weeks
So it's been two weeks. Two weeks since she woke me up. Two weeks since we decided to go to IHOP for breakfast where she did a great job with her food. Two weeks since we went to Wal-mart together to go shopping, which was a rare event. Two weeks since she told me a million times how much she loved me. Two weeks since I told her how much I love her. Two weeks since she gave me a hug, told me that she loved me and that she would be a big girl.
It's been two weeks since I saw Chris' face and the fear and pure terror as he was told she was found in the pool. Two weeks since we raced across town to get to the hospital. Two weeks since the doctor took us into the ER and watched as the trama doctors worked their asses off to get her lifeless body heated up and her heart going. We watched as they pushed drugs and put in central lines, but she was gone already. I think a part of me knew it the whole time we watched but I just had to keep my hopes up that one of the times they shocked her heart, it would start. But it never did. We help each other. We cried and sobbed. We went numb. We told each other how much we love each other. And then we walked over to her body and touched her forehead and told her how much we loved her. And how she was our beautiful girl.
After what seemed like days, we got to see her again- touch her beautiful face again, kiss her check, tell her how much I lover her, how much she meant to me and how I would never forget her.
I thought that might be the worst part. But I was so naive. I am now more aware of the rollercoaster that will be our lives for awhile. That night at the hospital was horrific. But going home was worse. Laying down to get some sleep was even worse. Chris was able to get some rest, but my brain just wouldn't let me stop....stop the "why" game. Why did we not teach her to hold her breath under water? Why did we not get her into swim school last summer like I had kept talking about? Why did we not take her to the wedding that night? Why didn't we have someone watch her at our house like we normally did? Then there are all of the "whys" that I am not ready to hear the answers to...why did no one keep an eye on her at the pool? Why were her swimmers removed? why did no one notice she was in the pool? But then as always, my brain switches to the more rationale part and I know with clarity that NONE of these questions have answers that matter. She passed away, it WAS an accident, and NOTHING will bring her back. This is the reality we have, but the questions linger. They are in the back of my mind 24/7 and they come to the surface sometimes, but my rationale part usually comes through and saves me.
Chris and I are doing what we can. We cry, well it's more of me crying and he doing his best to stay strong and just hold me. There are moments where I can laugh and smile and think so proudly of Kathleen, and how much she gave to me and how much I learned from her. My life is only better becuase of her. But then there are moments when I am not sure I can breath. I can't imagine how I can live another day without her here. I wake up in the morning, every morning, waiting for her to walk in and tell me the sun is up. And the feeling that comes over me when I realize that she won't is crushing.
That is the feeling I have most of the time. Pure pain.
If I can keep up with this, I hope to eventually be able to talk about Kathleen. And also our twins. The amazing twins that I can't wait to hold. And cherish. And love forever. And to tell them about their amazing sister. Hopefully...one day, I can do that. Hopefully.
It's been two weeks since I saw Chris' face and the fear and pure terror as he was told she was found in the pool. Two weeks since we raced across town to get to the hospital. Two weeks since the doctor took us into the ER and watched as the trama doctors worked their asses off to get her lifeless body heated up and her heart going. We watched as they pushed drugs and put in central lines, but she was gone already. I think a part of me knew it the whole time we watched but I just had to keep my hopes up that one of the times they shocked her heart, it would start. But it never did. We help each other. We cried and sobbed. We went numb. We told each other how much we love each other. And then we walked over to her body and touched her forehead and told her how much we loved her. And how she was our beautiful girl.
After what seemed like days, we got to see her again- touch her beautiful face again, kiss her check, tell her how much I lover her, how much she meant to me and how I would never forget her.
I thought that might be the worst part. But I was so naive. I am now more aware of the rollercoaster that will be our lives for awhile. That night at the hospital was horrific. But going home was worse. Laying down to get some sleep was even worse. Chris was able to get some rest, but my brain just wouldn't let me stop....stop the "why" game. Why did we not teach her to hold her breath under water? Why did we not get her into swim school last summer like I had kept talking about? Why did we not take her to the wedding that night? Why didn't we have someone watch her at our house like we normally did? Then there are all of the "whys" that I am not ready to hear the answers to...why did no one keep an eye on her at the pool? Why were her swimmers removed? why did no one notice she was in the pool? But then as always, my brain switches to the more rationale part and I know with clarity that NONE of these questions have answers that matter. She passed away, it WAS an accident, and NOTHING will bring her back. This is the reality we have, but the questions linger. They are in the back of my mind 24/7 and they come to the surface sometimes, but my rationale part usually comes through and saves me.
Chris and I are doing what we can. We cry, well it's more of me crying and he doing his best to stay strong and just hold me. There are moments where I can laugh and smile and think so proudly of Kathleen, and how much she gave to me and how much I learned from her. My life is only better becuase of her. But then there are moments when I am not sure I can breath. I can't imagine how I can live another day without her here. I wake up in the morning, every morning, waiting for her to walk in and tell me the sun is up. And the feeling that comes over me when I realize that she won't is crushing.
That is the feeling I have most of the time. Pure pain.
If I can keep up with this, I hope to eventually be able to talk about Kathleen. And also our twins. The amazing twins that I can't wait to hold. And cherish. And love forever. And to tell them about their amazing sister. Hopefully...one day, I can do that. Hopefully.
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