Yesterday I was driving to get us some dinner and was flooded with random memories. This happens all the time. Sometimes they pass through my head like clouds on a breezy day while other times that stay with me like a dream where I can almost remember every scene, every word, every thought.
Yesterday it was the dream....driving down Ina road 4 years ago just as Chris and I were starting to date and I knew her mother took them on the bus to go to day care in the morning. So as I am driving at 6 am to head to Phoenix for a work thing, I see a woman with this tiny little girl standing at the bus stop in 30 degree weather thinking to myself I think that was them. Should I stop? Should I offer them a ride? But i didn't have a car seat and with traffic I couldn't turn around, but sure enough it was them. She was so tiny. So happy. I could tell in just the few seconds I had to see her that she was just a bright ball of energy.
Then it moved to the first time I really met her. It was at Chris' house. His mom was sewing dresses together for the neices for Grnadpa's wedding. All I heard was this laugh. This sweet giggle from around the corner. She was so shy back then, it is funny to think about her being that way since she changed so much over the years. Finally Chris got her to come out and she just gave me the worlds most brillant smile. I thought to myself that that smile would be the end of me. And it was. But in the best possible way.
She love me reading to her. She would pick up all of her toys at night and then grab her Cars book, the one that was so used that all of the pages were curled and the seam was bent right at the beginning of the Cars story which was in the middle of the Disney combilation book. She would sit on my leg, pull a blanket over us (it could be summer, she didn't care), cuddle up with me and read along with the story. Not that she knew how to read, but because she knew the story by heart. "McQueen was a race car, he was shiny and fast, he wanted one thing...to win the big race".... Chris and I actually can recite the whole story from memory too. But it's a little too painful. But I miss reading to her. I read to Alex and Izzy now and I still tear up. I probably will for years to come. But it's a beautiful memory that I hope never fades.
Alex and Izzy are smiling so much more now. Giggling and laughing just to do it which warms our hearts more than words can express. They look at me and Chris like the know who we are and I love that feeling. They know we will always be there for them. And protect them and love them unconditionaly. Or at least they will know all of that because we will remind them every day. Life is too short and we will cherish every moment we have with them.
Alex is waking...must go get me some baby love. Happy New Year!! Wonder what 2012 will bring!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Such beautiful responses
Yesterday I decided to put it out in there in the world (i.e. Facebook) that I was writing this silly, emotional vomit of a blog. And honestly I can't believe the response I have gotten so far!! Friends, some whom I talk to on a regular basis and others I haven't talked to in years but who are still my "friends", all reached out to me to tell me how much my story means to them. Or how brave they think I am. Or how I said out loud what they had only thought to themselves. I don't want credit or kudos for sharing this, that is not why I did it. I shared it because if anyone out there feels as lost and/or as isolated as I have felt this past month, then I hope this can show them that they aren't alone. That at least I am in the same boat. I feel the same feelings. I know alot of the people who have reached out to me say that they cant imagine what I am going through because of losing Kathleen, but I think they all need to realize that while they might not have lost a child like I did, the other feelings are just as strong and powerful, and scary and suffocating. We all experience different things in our lives and while it is all different, it doesn't mean that one life has had worse things happen than others- it's all subjective in my opinion. I see it like this- so many people see my girls and say "wow, what would it be like to have triplets??" In my head, I can't even imagine what that would be like. Its almost my worst nightmare...I already don't get enough sleep, my milk supply is waning, and I already need to have someone here most of the time to help, so how do people do it when they have three babies??!!! Well that is just the point...you just do it. You don't know any different. I think now how incredibly hard it would be to have had Kathleen around the last few months and taking care of the babies and Chris and I have both admitted that life would be so much harder (yes, of course we would give anyting for her to come back, but we talk about everything including that life is easier without her. It might sound horrible, but it's the ugly ugly truth). But on the flip side, if Kathleen hadn't passed away, we would know no different and would have survived. See, every life is different and somehow we survive. My cousin Katie just had her twins and she is doing it all by herself, which blows my mind since I haven't had more than a handful of days all by myself. Do I beat myself up for feeling inadaquate?? Hell yes. Do I wonder how she can handle it and I can't? Hell yes. Is it a constant struggle not to compare? Absolutely, but then I have those moments where I remind myself "what does it matter"
So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.
On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.
So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.
On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Things are easier
It's been crazy around here, but we survived Christmas. It actually wasn't that bad, but I think it was mostly due to Chris being home the whole weekend. Not sure I could have survived his family invading our house without him here.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Not much of a funk lately
Wow, it's crazy how you can feel so much better when things were looking so gray just a few days ago or in my case, last week. I think it has alot to do with Chris' schedule (I honestly don't know how couples survive deployments- they have my full respect, even though they already had it before this revelation), and also getting out of the house more. Had drinks with a great friend of mine last week and even though I felt like I had nothing to talk about or add to the conversation, it was still wonderful to get out of the house and not have a baby drooling on my shoulder.
The girls are now definitely in the realm of teething. I find it funny that when anyone sees that they are fussy or cranky they automaticvally assume that they are teething. Well now it's actually the cause, we can feel them cutting through and I can only imagine that it can't feel great. I hope that is the only thing going on with them, cause the last few days have been a little rough. Lots of fussiness but I am handling it alot better than the last few weeks. My fuse is MUCH longer and can handle quite a bit more without getting super frustrated and needing to count or take a few deep breaths. This increase in patience also makes me feel better. More in control of both me, my emotions and the situation- or my lack of the situation but being ok with that. I know can accept that I can only do so much for them and beyond that I can only hold them and tell them I am here for them and do my best, but past that they are just babies and screaming is par for the course.
Now of to bed. Wonder how many consecutive hours I might be able to get tonight.....
The girls are now definitely in the realm of teething. I find it funny that when anyone sees that they are fussy or cranky they automaticvally assume that they are teething. Well now it's actually the cause, we can feel them cutting through and I can only imagine that it can't feel great. I hope that is the only thing going on with them, cause the last few days have been a little rough. Lots of fussiness but I am handling it alot better than the last few weeks. My fuse is MUCH longer and can handle quite a bit more without getting super frustrated and needing to count or take a few deep breaths. This increase in patience also makes me feel better. More in control of both me, my emotions and the situation- or my lack of the situation but being ok with that. I know can accept that I can only do so much for them and beyond that I can only hold them and tell them I am here for them and do my best, but past that they are just babies and screaming is par for the course.
Now of to bed. Wonder how many consecutive hours I might be able to get tonight.....
Monday, December 19, 2011
One day at a time
Its crazy the ups and downs that one can experience in a single day as a mother. Thankfully today was mostly ups. I am feeling better. Much less "funky" than I have been lately which is a great and welcome change. I think Chris being back on normal shirt and him being home this last weekend made a huge difference. However I do find it funny that as grateful as we both were for him to be home, we also had a hard time transitioning into what it's like. We snapped at each other, were short with each other and basically had alot of "reset" moments. Maybe one day I will explain the reset button. But we are used to these types of transitions when he is gone for awhile or on crazy shifts. It's to be expected and we survived.
Thankfully we had sex. I am not going to turn this blog into a racy detail filled look into our sex life, however I think it is important to make sure that during this whole thing to make sure we keep our intimacy center stage as possible. Over the last month, I have been so blue and funky where all I wanted was to be held by him and have that connection, but I also couldn't stand him touching me. Those moments were thankfully few and far between, but they were there. So I am glad that the first chance we got, we were able to have some time alone together and it didn't just turn in to us passing out instantly.
The girls are doing so amazing. I can't believe how fast they grow and it's only been 4 months. Tonight Izzy was miserable from some medicine we gave her and she actually let me rock her to sleep while laying on my chest. That hasnt happened since they were probably 2 months old. Now for some people that two month gap might not be anything, but to me it's such a long time since I was able to cuddle with one of my girls and it was incredible. That is how to end a good day. Even with all the screaming and crying, having one of my beauties asleep on my chest is definitely how to end a day.
Thankfully we had sex. I am not going to turn this blog into a racy detail filled look into our sex life, however I think it is important to make sure that during this whole thing to make sure we keep our intimacy center stage as possible. Over the last month, I have been so blue and funky where all I wanted was to be held by him and have that connection, but I also couldn't stand him touching me. Those moments were thankfully few and far between, but they were there. So I am glad that the first chance we got, we were able to have some time alone together and it didn't just turn in to us passing out instantly.
The girls are doing so amazing. I can't believe how fast they grow and it's only been 4 months. Tonight Izzy was miserable from some medicine we gave her and she actually let me rock her to sleep while laying on my chest. That hasnt happened since they were probably 2 months old. Now for some people that two month gap might not be anything, but to me it's such a long time since I was able to cuddle with one of my girls and it was incredible. That is how to end a good day. Even with all the screaming and crying, having one of my beauties asleep on my chest is definitely how to end a day.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Vodka is good
Survived another day and tonight got to enjoy two very tasty adult beverages. Hope sleep comes to this very sleep momma.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Getting out is the cure!
So my MIL came in last night after Chris called her to come in early so I wouldnt be alone while he finished up his last two days of 12s. A part of me loved him for it because I knew it would make my life easier, but also I hated it because it meant he had to call and tell her "Steph can't do it alone and needs your help" so much so that you need to fly in tonight, not wait and see if you can drive in the next day. I feel bad for him. He works so much lately and has had to deal with me and all my craziness. All the NEW craziness I mean. before I was a little nutso but it was manageable. But the last few weeks has been over the top crazy. The mood swings, the crying, the frustration, the absolute terror that I have been, all while getting up at 3am every freaking day so he can get off at 430 and come home so I can get a break and still be a bitch to him. This whole time he has kept a smile on his face and put up with my shit. So he is even more my hero than he was before, which I wasn't sure was even possible.
But today was better. The main reason is that I went out. It is so tough to get these girls out, but we did it and the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing. We went to the breast feeding support group which I love because it's just a bunch of mothers all sitting around talking and bitching about this wonderful experience in a way that no man or non mother can relate and even my other mom friends can't truly since they don't have newborns. For them it's more of a distant memory not a current event lol.
After the group we went and got lunch and came home for a nap. So today I got two things that I think are going to be essetial. Naps everyday and some fresh air and sunshine.
Well I am headed to bed and hoping that sleep will come. I need to get back to where I used to be in the beginning where the instant my head hits the pillow I am out for the count. Soon :)
But today was better. The main reason is that I went out. It is so tough to get these girls out, but we did it and the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing. We went to the breast feeding support group which I love because it's just a bunch of mothers all sitting around talking and bitching about this wonderful experience in a way that no man or non mother can relate and even my other mom friends can't truly since they don't have newborns. For them it's more of a distant memory not a current event lol.
After the group we went and got lunch and came home for a nap. So today I got two things that I think are going to be essetial. Naps everyday and some fresh air and sunshine.
Well I am headed to bed and hoping that sleep will come. I need to get back to where I used to be in the beginning where the instant my head hits the pillow I am out for the count. Soon :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am not the only one
Today Chris got to spend some quality time with the girls while I had a doctor's appointment and did it all by himself for the first time. He survived and did great, but once I got home and it was time for their lunch feeding he got to experience the scream-fest that has become the norm. We aren't sure what is causing the issue but the girls refuse to nurse during the day. As soon as I lay them down, they start to scream. Sometimes if I got to them early enough, they will nurse but only intermittely betweens screams. But unfortunately once I have attempted to nurse them and then we try a bottle, they will continue to scream. It seems that only I can get them to feed from the bottle. They just scream and wail when Chris or my mom tries. However this is a challenge since I usually am trying to nurse the second twin after the first one failed. So what happens is that baby A is screaming in Chris' arms refusing the bottle while I am trying to get baby B to nurse but who is also screaming. So once I can get baby B to calm down and nurse OR I give up and heat up a bottle, I then have to go into another room or Chris does so that way I can feed baby B in peace, then we switch babies and I can feed baby A in pease. Of course by this time Baby A is exhausted from screaming. Yes, this is what life can be like. But I am not at all upset by it. Of course I want to figure out what is going on, I hate when my babies are upset and not happy. But I was also relived to see that Chris was getting super frustrated. I know it might seem obvious but when you do it day in and day out and are beyond exhausted and you feel like you are at whits end, it's nice to see that your wonderful amazing partner gets flustered within 10 minutes. Does that make me a bad wife? Hell no. It just makes me human because today I don't feel inadequte today and that feels good. Off to a nap!!!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wow, I sound depressing
I was thinking earlier today that I wanted to write a more light hearted post, instead of the dark and twisty as of late. Then an old friend of mine emailed me asking me how I was holding up after she had read these dark and twisty posts, so here I am....let's shine some light on my life :)
Chris and I are madly in love still. Somehow we have survived a horrible tragedy and come across on the other side an even stronger couple. I can't tell you how, but we did and we are so thankful for it. We miss Kathleen every day but we lean on each other and find the strength to keep going each day. He is my hero and I love him more and more every day we are together.
These beautiful girls of mine are amazing. I love them completely and whole heartedly. They truely amaze me every day. I love being able to stay at home and see the first smile. The first laugh. The first roll over. The first tummy time that they didnt absolutely hate. The first time they talked together in their own language and that was only in their first four months. I knew being a SAHM would be a challenge and it definitely has been, but I love being here with them. I just need to get my head on straight...which I hope will happen soon. But it seems to be getting better, talking about it here seems to help. There is a small part of me though that feels like if I complain too much than I am only making it worse, but I also dont want to hide from these feelings and make anything worse. Ugh, this sucks. But I have my fingers crossed, and I know with my husband at my side and my gorgeous girls, I will come out of this feeling better. Just need time and patience.
Chris and I are madly in love still. Somehow we have survived a horrible tragedy and come across on the other side an even stronger couple. I can't tell you how, but we did and we are so thankful for it. We miss Kathleen every day but we lean on each other and find the strength to keep going each day. He is my hero and I love him more and more every day we are together.
These beautiful girls of mine are amazing. I love them completely and whole heartedly. They truely amaze me every day. I love being able to stay at home and see the first smile. The first laugh. The first roll over. The first tummy time that they didnt absolutely hate. The first time they talked together in their own language and that was only in their first four months. I knew being a SAHM would be a challenge and it definitely has been, but I love being here with them. I just need to get my head on straight...which I hope will happen soon. But it seems to be getting better, talking about it here seems to help. There is a small part of me though that feels like if I complain too much than I am only making it worse, but I also dont want to hide from these feelings and make anything worse. Ugh, this sucks. But I have my fingers crossed, and I know with my husband at my side and my gorgeous girls, I will come out of this feeling better. Just need time and patience.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Beyond tears
So today was a challenge. Our cousin was here for a good portion of the day, but she has to work at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesdays so she couldn't stay all evening till Chris got home. But I thought to myself- no worries, I did it all day by myself last week and survived so this should be a cake walk since it's only 3 hours. I couldn't have been more wrong. The girls woke from a quick nap screaming their lungs out. I fed them, it didn't stop. I changed them, it didn't stop. However if I carried them, they would.
So I decided to attempt to carry both girls at the same time, using a front carrier for one and holding the other on my hip. Well now I know that I can not do that for more than about 5 minutes before my arms, back, and shoulders start screaming bloody murder and want to fall off. So I put them both down. More screaming. I decide to try the "cry it out" method. That lasted about 10 minutes for Izzy who finally wore herself out and passed out in the swing. Alex however refused to sit in the other swing, which we are now going to return since both of them hate it compared to the other one. So I placed her in the bouncy chair which she only hated slightly less than the swing I had just removed her from. So I let her cry and cry and scream. Which then resulted in her vomiting from crying so hard. I gave in and proceeded to carry her around the house to calm her down for the next 45 min till Chris walked in the door. Now it's 2 hours later and Izzy finally went to sleep, after Chris rocking, swaying, and smacking her butt (in the good way!) for an hour. I am terried to go in and lay down because I think if I do and one of the girls wakes up within the next few hours I might just have a breakdown.
So I am off to bed to test how my pysche is doing and if I can handle anther night of broken sleep, pacifer "pushes", and 2 hour feeding/pumping sessions. Good night and good luck
So I decided to attempt to carry both girls at the same time, using a front carrier for one and holding the other on my hip. Well now I know that I can not do that for more than about 5 minutes before my arms, back, and shoulders start screaming bloody murder and want to fall off. So I put them both down. More screaming. I decide to try the "cry it out" method. That lasted about 10 minutes for Izzy who finally wore herself out and passed out in the swing. Alex however refused to sit in the other swing, which we are now going to return since both of them hate it compared to the other one. So I placed her in the bouncy chair which she only hated slightly less than the swing I had just removed her from. So I let her cry and cry and scream. Which then resulted in her vomiting from crying so hard. I gave in and proceeded to carry her around the house to calm her down for the next 45 min till Chris walked in the door. Now it's 2 hours later and Izzy finally went to sleep, after Chris rocking, swaying, and smacking her butt (in the good way!) for an hour. I am terried to go in and lay down because I think if I do and one of the girls wakes up within the next few hours I might just have a breakdown.
So I am off to bed to test how my pysche is doing and if I can handle anther night of broken sleep, pacifer "pushes", and 2 hour feeding/pumping sessions. Good night and good luck
Mother Nature MUST have a sense of humor
So why in the world would mother nature have mothers be sleep deprived, dealing with nursing babies and milk supplies, dirty diapers, screaming babies ad then throw on the chance of post partum depression sprikled on top?? My husband is still on 12 hour shifts so I get everytime one of the girls cries for their pacifers or when they wake up for their night feeding, it's all me. So my sleep is never good sleep. It's broken and in chunks and not restfull. So why in the world would mother nature then give me the possiiltiy of having PPD??? Yesterday I was holding Izzy, trying to rock her to sleep (which is rare, but I think she is fighting a cold) and I was just crying. Partially from pure exhaustion and partially because I just wanted sleep and needed her to calm down.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.
Thankfully I have a helper today and after I eat some lunch and finish this ranting, I am headed for a long restful nap- I hope.
I hate that some days I can start out with so much energy and I cant wait to spend the day with my girls, but then I will have these moment where I am just so tired and so exhausted and I question what the hell I am doing with my life. Dont get me wrong- I loooooooove my girls and I love being a mom. But this is hard. And anyone that says differently...well they are lucky. But so am I. I just have to take a moment, take a deep breath and remind myself of that.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Yesterday was better
It is so crazy how one day I can feel like the world is ending and cant seem to get out of my funk, but other days seem to be just fine and make me second guess whether I have PPD. But I think that unto itself makes me think I definitely do. Which I am ok with, but I just wish that it didnt feel like it was such a taboo. I know in all the baby books I read they talked about PPD and said that it is so much more socially acceptable, but it still feels like I am the only person I know that has experienced this. No one I know has mentioned they battled it. My close friends who have had children both said that they were fine. A part of me doesn't care. I have battled depression before and I am huge advocate that it shouldn't be something you should be ashamed of, but there is a small part of me that is terrified to admit it out loud to anyone but Chris.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Lonely but want to be alone
"I am so lonely but I have never wanted to be alone so badly"
I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?
I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?
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