Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Getting better

This past weekend was the baby shower and I can not express how hard it was for me. The actual shower was amazing. I was surrounded by my amazing mom, my fabulous friends and wonderful family. It was so incredible and we got so much stuff (i.e. clothes lol) for the girls. The moment I left of course was full on tears. I missed Kathleen so much. She should have been there. She should have helped me open the gifts for her sisters. She should have been there for everything. But she wasn't and I was torn up inside.
But after Saturday, I somehow snapped out of it. I have had some moments of sadness but the last few days I have actually not had a melt down. I have been able to say hi to her each mornin as I pass her picure and only have wonderful memories go through my head. I am able to talk about her and not break down. Not sure if it's a phase, but I am thankful to be able to keep it together. I think a part of me wants to be able to keep it together for Chris. He has been so freaking strong and not broken down at all in front of me but last week, I sobbed WAY too many times. Not that its a contest, just more of a relief to be able to say I am processing things better and not just crying all the time.
But along with copping a little better, I am also exhausted. Off to bed and hopefully the dreams will be the good kind where I dream about how we honor her and her memory, NOT dreams that consist me her still being alive. Thos hurt too much. They seem so real and waking up is just too difficult. Hopefully it's good dreams.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Anger Day

Today was an angry day....with some amazing news in the middle.

The baby girls are a total of 7 pounds. Both are doing amazing and the doctors are just thrilled with my progress. I am at 29 weeks- they say 32 weeks would be good, 34 weeks would be awesome and 36 is fan-freaking-tastic so I guess time will tell what happens the next few weeks. Such happy news!!

The I left the doc's office, and somehow the anger just crept up over me. I was driving along and just started crying. But not the normal breakdown- this time it was pure anger. Anger at the world. Anger at the powers that be. Anger at the people who were at the pool. Anger at god or whoever is in control. Just pure complete anger. I want her back. I want to hear her laugh and tell me she loves me. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to see Chris' face when she says she loves her daddy. I want it all back. And I know that getting angry will do nothing, but I just couldn't help it. I started yelling in my car and crying more.
Then finally it subsided. Not fully, not completely, but enough where I could drive safely. I just took about a million or so deep breaths and the horrible feeling finally went away. Which I am thankful for. I am not a hateful person. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I hate this accident. But I don't hate the people that were there. I don't hate anything else, but this feeling might come back which I think is normal but I hope it doesn't.
Ok, now it's time to hit the hay.Tired and feel slightly beat up. But also very happy. Ugh, the roller coaster continues....

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day

We both knew this day would be hell. We both wanted to make sure that we celebrated all of the fathers in our lives, but also not to take away from Chris' pain as he dealt with this day without Kathleen.
I woke up thinking I would be strong and I could go all day without crying- he needed me to be that strong for him. Well I didn't last 5 minutes. Some moments it was just me taking a moment, some moments were for a full tear to stream down my check, while other moments were full on sobs. It didn't matter what I thought about, it always came back to Kathleen.
There was the guilt I felt- this past mother's day, Kathleen woke me up and we had a great day together. She even told me "Happy Mother's Day, Steph" without being prompted...she just said it like she knew it was that day. She told me a million times how much she loved me and how I was her Steph. And this is the part that killed me today. Knowing that Chris wouldn't get to her those words today. He wouldn't get to hear her say so proudly "Happy Father's Day, daddy" like I wanted to pratice her saying. She wouldn't give him gifts that she made at day care like she had given me. These thoughts just brought me to my knees and broke my heart. I haven't told him any of this, I am sure he has had his own thoughts on the subject and is dealing with his own pain on the matter...no need for me to add my own guilt to his pain and heartache.
We went to the cemetary, he wanted to pay his respects to his dad and also say hi to her and Justin his brother. The boy's graves are a dual, so we went these first and said our peace. Since I didn't know Bruce I just thanked him for giving me Chris, and raising such an amazing husband and father. I am not sure how him and Brenda did it, but damn they helped make their son an absolutely amazing person. I also said my peace to Justin- he died too young and I would have liked to have gotten to know him better, also I feel for Payge and Landon- his two children. But if I have to find some closure with Kathleen, I also have to feel that there is a reason that Justin died when he did.
Then we started walking back to the car, and I just couldn't stop crying. Knowing we were going to see her grave. It ws torture. Then I look at him and he is dry eyed. Not sure how he does it. It's amazing how strong he can be. We go and see hi. I usually talk out loud when we have gone to her gravesite before, but I noticed that he never does. So today, I stood there in silence and said my thoughts to her in my head. And he did the same. We just stood there, grieving silently, mourning her, missing her, loving her, without words. We got back into the car and I mentioned how strong he was. That is when he let me know that he alread had his full on break down...it was this morning when we woke up and I was in the bathroom. I love that we can respect each other enough to not push our own way to grieve on the other. I am all about sharing, while he prefers to do it on his own when he feels the need to do so. I would love for him to open out more and really talk about his feelings, but I know that is me being selfish. He doesn't need that, I want that. He needs to be able to grieve how ever he needs. And I have to support that- which thankfully isn't that difficult. Sometimes I find myself wanting him to share more, but then I remind myself that he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready. Past that I just have to trust him, and our bond in this marriage. Which I am also thankful to say is pretty f-ing strong. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this if it wasn't for him and his courage and strength. It is truly an amazing thing.

The bright side in all of this is tomorrow, we get to go see the girls and how much they have grown. I love the ultrasounds where he can come and see them. The smile on his face is one of the most breathtaking things in this world that I have seen- it's pure and absolute pride and joy, happiness and excitement. And lately, these are the emotions that can really make our days, so to be able to share them together now has an even stronger meaning.

So today has been 4 weeks exactly since we hugged our little miss good-bye, told her to be good for her aunt april and got ready for our friends wedding. That night will stay with us forever, but I am hoping that one day soon the pain will ease and our memories of Kathleen will stay as strong as they were just yesterday and we can look at them with smiles and happiness. One day.....

Friday, June 17, 2011

Another week down

It seems silly to count down and say another week down....it's not like I have a countdown. I mean I do, but thats not why I initially said another week down. Damn, it's a double edge sword.

At first, it's me counting down saying I made another week. I was able to live, and stay strong, and keep moving forward even though there are moments and times where giving up and doing nothing but stay in bed sounds amazing. The overwhelming grief that comes over me at times is unbearable. I think about Kathleen and it breaks my heart. But usually I cry or just breath through it and the pain subsides and finally I can think of her with a huge smile and even a laugh. Thankfully I have Chris. He is so incredibly strong. He does have his moments too, but nothing like me. Thank god we have each other.

Then my count down remark does make sense...since we have another week down till the girls get here. And it can't come soon enough. I want my body back. I want to sleep without having them controlling how I lie or how often I get up to pee. I want to have a glass of wine. Or a cold beer. I want to NOT be a human furnance in the middle of summer. And I really want to meet my girls. I hope that I can control my emotions- the joy and excitment while dealing with the sorrow and sadness. I think I should really talk to someone, make sure that I have all my brain in check. I have nothing against seeing a doc- done it before and will probably do it a few more times in my life. I find it healthy. And I think it'll help.

But this weekend it's all about Chris and Father's Day. So he can enjoy it. So I can tell him a million times over that he is one of the most amazing men I have met, and these girls of ours- all three of them- are so incredibly lucky to have him as their dad. Hope I can keep it together all weekend.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A good day

It's stange to have a "good" day, but so far that is what I would classify today. No meltdowns, no sobbing, no funks.
Just staying busy and having great memories of her. Also, thinking alot of the girls and how things will change so much. I still want to sit down and talk with someone about everything, but today is a pretty good day.
I think talking about it might help just process more of the emotions. How does one process losing one child and within a matter of 2 months give birth to two children and not be racked with guilt? I know it might sound strange, but I am still trying to figure out how to mourn and celebrate Kathleen without it overshadowing the girls impending arrival. Or the other way around- I feel so guilty some days when I just gush and gush about Izzy and Alex becuase I feel I shouldn't be this happy after losing Kathleen only a few weeks ago. Is it ok to feel both absolute joy and happiness AND absolute heartache and pain?? Some days I am just not sure how to process any of it, but then some how I make it through the day and I can smile and function, so I guess the answer is yes. Somehow as humans we can survive and it doesn't make sense, but it's do-able.

Monday, June 13, 2011

A roller coaster day

So today is not even half way over and it's already been a roller coaster of emotions. Pain. Love. Anxiety. Joy. Doubt. Excitement. Heart ache. Relief. Loss. All of this before 11 in the morning.

I didn't sleep very well last night so this morning I tried to stay in bed and get a few more hours once Chris got up. I did end up sleeping but it was the super light, crazy vivid dreams sleep that I don't really like. So when I woke up, I just felt like I was in a funk. A super funk. I hate these types of funks, cause I feel horrible until something snaps me out of it.
So I just waited for something to happen- good or bad- to snap me out of it. As I was driving into work, still all funky, I started to cry. Just missing Kathleen so much. Wishing I could go back and hug her more. Or tell her more how amazing she was. But I know that this is silly- I told her these things EVERY day. it was almost excessive how much I told her so these thoughts are just silly, and are the grief talking. My next thoughts were I wish I could tell all of my friends and people I see to really cherish their children. To hug them tighter, to not sweat the small stuff so much, to just love their children and never take them for granted. That life is too flipping short and when things like this happen you will always have those types of regrets.
And then the sledgehammer hit me. No snapping me out of it this time, it was like a bulldozer. Life is too short. Life is just too short. So why in the fuck am I sitting in my car crying when I loved Kathleen more than life itself and she loved me back? Why am I crying when I have the most amazing man for my husband who literally has been so strong through this whole thing and we have only become stronger? Why am I crying when I have these two beautiful girls growing in my belly? Would I give anythign to have Kathleen back?? In a heartbeat, but I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and she is in such a better place now.
She is speaking in beautiful long sentences, she is watching all the Nascar and Cars and Toy Story and Lion King she can, she is meeting her family that has passed before her and she is looking down on us with that beautiful smiel of hers.
Will I cry more? Absolutely. Will I still have horrible days/mornings/moments? Of course. Did today help me in my greiving process? More than I can describe.

My girls are healthy and happy. They will be here in 7 weeks...ish. Lets see if they listen to their mommy and daddy :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Almost made it all day

It's been three weeks and I almost made it all day. Till now. I happen to be posting on someone's wall on Facebook and noticed a picture of Kathleen on the top of the page. So I had to click on it, and look through the photo album which was from her last birthday party which was only a month ago. And seeing her smile, I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I had my normal moments today where I would catch myself, but nothing like this. I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss her laughter. I miss everything.
One day this is going to be easier. But I guess right now is my time today to break down. Chris doesn't notice, but that is ok. He doesn't need to comfort me every time. He has his moments too and I can't comfort him every time. I think that is the hardest thing...to not automatically crawl into his arms. I have to really feel this pain and heartache on my own every once in awhile.

Other than that, it's been a pretty good day. Went and did pedicures with Chris and Jill, which we were some what dreading since we always would take Kathleen. So we told one of the girls right away but she doesn't understand me, she just smiles and tells me to put my feet in the water. I then wait for another girl who I think speaks better English, but again, she doesn't really get the full meaning of what I am telling her. So finally the manager shows up and I tell her, and she breaks down and tells the other ladies in Vietemesse and they all cry and give us hugs.

Now I am exhausted. Need sleep. Need to cry. Here we go again.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The first week down

It's Friday of my first week back to work and somehow I survived. I now know that I have to have a solid and full to do list, and to do my best not to get lazy. Once I lose my focus and motivation, my brain has a tendency to wander and that leads to tears. Some days it was just a few rolling down my check while I typed mindlessly away, and others were full on convulsions. If I wasn't so large and pregnant, the convulsations probably would have had me on the floor in fetal position. But instead, I just sat in my chair, crying, sobbing, both thinking of Kathleen and trying NOT to think about her.
My cousin Jenn, who lost her husband. Wait, before I say anything more about Jen. I want to vent about the use of the term "lose" or "lost" when it comes to someone dying. Who the hell came up with that terminology?? It's not like I woke up one morning and Kathleen just didn't come home cause she was lost. I didn't lose her in a store and at a park. She isn't a toy or my keys that I can't seem to find in my house. She was a wonderful, breathing, beautiful human being that was a victim of an accident. Plain and simple but why is the term "lost" so coloquial?? I guess it might come from people saying to others like me "I am sorry for your loss" but I still find it strange to say I lost her, or that my cousin lost her husband.
He was killed in a motocycle accident. Again, that term- "accident". Another one I have to wrap my head around sometimes. With accidents, there are no warnings. No signals that say "honey, make this goodbye worth it cause it's the last". No time to brace for the shock and pain. Just immediate and strange and excruciating. Anyways, she text me this week to check in. And I said I was holding up. Thats my phrase. I am holding up/hanging in there/etc. And she said one of the best things that has actually helped this week....

  • You are right life will become "easier". The times you have to yourself when the memories and thoughts come flooding back, EMBRACE them. Too many people try to avoid thinking of their loved ones because of the pain, bit the best thing to do is sit and appreciate this time of reflection, it's healing. It will take time, but someday your thoughts of Kathleen will be happy and without tears. Remember to take quiet time to yourself and with Chris. heal as individuals and as partners.
These words really hit me hard. For so much of the last few weeks, I didn't want to breakdown. I thought if I did, it was weak of me. And I couldn't be weak. But what she said really sunk in and gave me a new outlook. It's still pain and horrible sometimes when I think of her...but I let the pain in and appreciate it. And shockingly enough, it doenst last long. Usually within a few minutes, I have a smile on my face because of the memory that first began the tears makes me really think about Kathleen, and that was her gift- making others smile from the bottom of their hearts.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Back to work

So I made it. I woke up this morning, I got dressed, ate breakfast, and got to work, all without breaking down. Not without some dedication though. Every moment, every action I did, every thought I had was about Kathleen. Kathleen would be asking to turn off my fan right now. Kathleen would be asking to play with her toys right now. Kathleen would be asking me if I was going to be wearing pants right now. But every step I took towards leaving helped in a small way of getting through this first day. I know I will miss her forever, but I hope to find that balance between remembering her and memorilizing her. It's a fine line, but one I hope to find in time.

On the flip side, there are the twins. Healthy, 2 pound twin girls who don't understand what is going on, who don't know yet that they missed out on having an amazing big sister, who are kicking and punching me like when they come out they will be ready to kick box. The emotions of knowing I have these two precious beings inside of me is beyond anything I thought I could experience, but again it's the rollercoaster...how do I cherish these new babies and love them as I know I will without feeling guilty becuase I don't think about Kathleen 24/7. I guess only time will tell.

5 minutes till I officially am at work again. Time to collect myself and put on the brave face and hope that I don't cry with every hug I receive. Crossing my fingers....

Sunday, June 5, 2011

It's been 2 weeks

So it's been two weeks. Two weeks since she woke me up. Two weeks since we decided to go to IHOP for breakfast where she did a great job with her food. Two weeks since we went to Wal-mart together to go shopping, which was a rare event. Two weeks since she told me a million times how much she loved me. Two weeks since I told her how much I love her. Two weeks since she gave me a hug, told me that she loved me and that she would be a big girl.
It's been two weeks since I saw Chris' face and the fear and pure terror as he was told she was found in the pool. Two weeks since we raced across town to get to the hospital. Two weeks since the doctor took us into the ER and watched as the trama doctors worked their asses off to get her lifeless body heated up and her heart going. We watched as they pushed drugs and put in central lines, but she was gone already. I think a part of me knew it the whole time we watched but I just had to keep my hopes up that one of the times they shocked her heart, it would start. But it never did. We help each other. We cried and sobbed. We went numb. We told each other how much we love each other. And then we walked over to her body and touched her forehead and told her how much we loved her. And how she was our beautiful girl.
After what seemed like days, we got to see her again- touch her beautiful face again, kiss her check, tell her how much I lover her, how much she meant to me and how I would never forget her.
I thought that might be the worst part. But I was so naive. I am now more aware of the rollercoaster that will be our lives for awhile. That night at the hospital was horrific. But going home was worse. Laying down to get some sleep was even worse. Chris was able to get some rest, but my brain just wouldn't let me stop....stop the "why" game. Why did we not teach her to hold her breath under water? Why did we not get her into swim school last summer like I had kept talking about? Why did we not take her to the wedding that night? Why didn't we have someone watch her at our house like we normally did? Then there are all of the "whys" that I am not ready to hear the answers to...why did no one keep an eye on her at the pool? Why were her swimmers removed? why did no one notice she was in the pool? But then as always, my brain switches to the more rationale part and I know with clarity that NONE of these questions have answers that matter. She passed away, it WAS an accident, and NOTHING will bring her back. This is the reality we have, but the questions linger. They are in the back of my mind 24/7 and they come to the surface sometimes, but my rationale part usually comes through and saves me.
Chris and I are doing what we can. We cry, well it's more of me crying and he doing his best to stay strong and just hold me. There are moments where I can laugh and smile and think so proudly of Kathleen, and how much she gave to me and how much I learned from her. My life is only better becuase of her. But then there are moments when I am not sure I can breath. I can't imagine how I can live another day without her here. I wake up in the morning, every morning, waiting for her to walk in and tell me the sun is up. And the feeling that comes over me when I realize that she won't is crushing.
That is the feeling I have most of the time. Pure pain.

If I can keep up with this, I hope to eventually be able to talk about Kathleen. And also our twins. The amazing twins that I can't wait to hold. And cherish. And love forever. And to tell them about their amazing sister. Hopefully...one day, I can do that. Hopefully.