Monday, July 11, 2011

Dark Day

There are some days that don't hurt as much, but that is definintely not today. I can't get the darkness to go away. everything I do, every though I have, every song I hear, it all brings me to Kathleen. I just keep tearing up. I know that eventually the pain will subside, but some days it feels so overwhelming.
I just sit sometimes at home and a million memories rush past giving her a bath while she gives me a "feet massage". Me putting her princess towel on her, and picking her up and standing in front of the mirrior asking her who is "the sack of potatoes" and with a huge smile on her face she says "ME!!". I miss her coming in to my room and waking me up. I miss her coming into my bathroom while I am brushing my teeth giggling cause the brush makes so much noise. I miss her telling Chris how much she loves him and the smile that they both would share. I miss her asking for something with that huge smile she could have- whether it be her asking for a banana, her vitamin, a cookie, her Cars fruit snacks. It didn't matter what she was asking for, it always ended with a HUGE smile and that amazing way she would say "PLEASE". I miss how excited she would get when I would pick her up from day care, or when I came home from work. I miss how she would get so upset if Chris' car wasn't in the driveway when we got home and she would ask "where is daddy?????". She was ours. And I miss everything about her.
I know she is fine and wonderful and this is just me being selfish and doing the normal human response thing, but holy hell I would give anything to have her back. I know nothing will ever bring her back, and that thought is so tough some times to comprehend. It's been almost two months, and the pain hasn't lessened. I actually think it's gotten worse. It feels more real now. Hence me making the appointment for this Wednesday to see a counselor.
The emotions I feel for Kathleen are becoming harder and harder to handle. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a smile and no one is the wiser, but I know that I can't do that forever. My psyche can't handle too much of that.
I also feel like I am disrespecting the twins in some way. Most mothers are beyond the world happy for their babies to arrive and while I am so excited to meet them, I feel like my emotions over Kathleen are holding me back. I feel like I can't fully be happy or I am disrespecting Kathleen's memory. This battle between my girls just makes me feel absolutely guilty which only compounds the rest of the emotions I am feeliing. Hopefully this week's initial appointment will help. I know I have a long road ahead of me in finding peace, but I hope that someday it will be there. And Chris and I can truly love our twins and honor Kathleen's memory. Time will tell.

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