This past weekend was the baby shower and I can not express how hard it was for me. The actual shower was amazing. I was surrounded by my amazing mom, my fabulous friends and wonderful family. It was so incredible and we got so much stuff (i.e. clothes lol) for the girls. The moment I left of course was full on tears. I missed Kathleen so much. She should have been there. She should have helped me open the gifts for her sisters. She should have been there for everything. But she wasn't and I was torn up inside.
But after Saturday, I somehow snapped out of it. I have had some moments of sadness but the last few days I have actually not had a melt down. I have been able to say hi to her each mornin as I pass her picure and only have wonderful memories go through my head. I am able to talk about her and not break down. Not sure if it's a phase, but I am thankful to be able to keep it together. I think a part of me wants to be able to keep it together for Chris. He has been so freaking strong and not broken down at all in front of me but last week, I sobbed WAY too many times. Not that its a contest, just more of a relief to be able to say I am processing things better and not just crying all the time.
But along with copping a little better, I am also exhausted. Off to bed and hopefully the dreams will be the good kind where I dream about how we honor her and her memory, NOT dreams that consist me her still being alive. Thos hurt too much. They seem so real and waking up is just too difficult. Hopefully it's good dreams.