Thursday, December 8, 2011

Lonely but want to be alone

"I am so lonely but I have never wanted to be alone so badly"

I said this to my husband earlier tonight and we both looked at each other afterwards and said in unisound- "PPD". For months I have been on the look out. Keeping an eye out for signs. For mood swings. For tears. For anything to signal that it was time to get help. I was hopeful that by seeing a shrink before the girls were born, that I might have overted the possibility. But that was a pipe dream. Here I am 4 months after my beautiful girls were born, happier than a clam and thrilled that they are doing so well. I am madly in love with them and never have had a hamrful thought towards them. I enjoy the idea that I can be a stay at home mom. But that is where the problem lies. I like the IDEA. The reality is much harder than I had expected. I love playing with my girls, staring at their beautiful blue eyes, telling them how much I love them, playing with them and seeing them develop and accomplish so much in such a short period of time. But then I have the moments where I feel more disconnected from like and reality than I ever thought possible. I miss my freedom. I miss my friends. I miss the outside world. I miss doing a job where I was told on a daily basis that I rock and do a great job. I miss my pre- SAHM life.
My husband has been on 12 hour shifts the last two weeks, working through the weekends and still has one, possibly 2 weeks left of this type of schedule. I think this has really brought on the depression. The fatigue. The lonliness. The frustration. I am incredible lucky to have help on a daily basis from a wonderful support system of my mom, my cousin and a good friend. However nothing can compare to Chris. Nothing can compare to that closeness we feel when we are together as a family.
This is only exapreated my the grief we still feel for Kathleen. I cry for her every day. I talk to her pictures. I tell the girls all about her. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob. I hope that one day my emotions aren't such a roller coaster when it comes to her and the pain and misery I feel about her passing. I miss her laughter, I miss her smile, I miss her asking me in the morning if she could "please play with the remote control". She loved playing with the remote to my iPod docking station. She loved learning new things. And I miss watching her brain learn and develop.
I think about her every time I go to sleep. Thats the worst. I lay in bed and inevitable think about her. It might be a memory or a day dream of her, but it always revolves around her. I still dream about her too. Which is heartbreaking and amazing. The dreams feel so real but waking up from them is the worst feeling. It's almost like losing her all over again.
So along with the feelings of grief and pain I am still working through, I am now working through the feeling that my life is different than what it used to be. I miss my friends and how my life used to be. The part that really sucks is that my friends whom I love very much are so busy with their own lives that they probably dont realize how much pain I am in and how much I miss them. I have tried to reach out to them, but I hate trying to do that through a text message or email. And when I try to get the energy to call one of them, I then think about the conversation I would have to have with them. I would have to admit out loud that I am not doing well and that I really have needed my friends but none of them have really been paying attention enough to notice that I in fact needed them. Wow. What a mouth full. And then I feel guilty for putting the blame on them. Why should they feel guilty for not being able to read my thoughts and know that I needed them?? I should be the one to ask for help. Oh well, it's a slippery slope and now I am just going in circles.
Tomorrow might be better. I hope it is. Guess we will find out, wont we?

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