My body is now mine

So I am officially done with breastfeeding. It was/is the hardest thing I have even done and I did it for almost 6 months. The girls "half" birthday (which I don't care about, but for the purpose of giving a time frame) is next week and we did it all the way up till today. Tomorrow we will introduce formula. I popped a few Sudafeds, since they help dry you out and I need that so I am not in excruciating pain tonight. Plus I am wearing a sports bra from last year, preprego so it's SUPER tight which I hear helps with the pain since my boobs can't fill up all the way. So here it is.
There is the smallest part of me that is sad. I know, what the hell is wrong with me??!! I have been bitching about nursing since I started and now that I am done, I am upset??!! Yeah, I know, it's confusing. The part that will miss it is the part that loves the bonding with the girls. But thats pretty much it. There is the other part of me that then reminds that other part that sure the bonding is nice, BUT thats if and when said baby decides to latch. 90% of the time all they do is scream. Or they latch and then scream and latch then scream. My patience has just worn thin and I have done it for long enough. I wont miss the pumping at every feeding, especially at night when all I want to do is go to bed. NOt be hooked up to a machine and then have to do all the clean up afterwards. I want my boobs back as a sexual aspect, my husband misses them (and thats all I will say about that lol) I want to have a few cocktails and not worry about when I have to feed the girls. I want to go hang out at people's houses with the girls and not worry if I have enough milk or if I am going to try and sneak in to a spare room and feed one girl while i impose on someone to hold the other girl. Nope, I am done.
Now I need to revamp my eating. The last 6 months I ate anything I saw, which included a ton of fruits and vegetables but equal parts chocolate and sweets. It;s going to take a long time to take off these pounds along with the other 40 pounds I should have lost before getting pregnant, but I am hopng with alot of hard work and dedication I can shed some of this weight. Not to look pretty, but it's more of being healthy for the girls. I was so lazy with Kathleen. She was great at entertaining herself, and I of course played with her but my ideal day was laying on the couch watching her play with her toys or playing with her from the couch. I hope I can be a bit more active with Alex and Izzy.

So their personalities are shaping up and wow are they so different. Izzy is definitely Chris' daughter. She is quiet, introspective and keeps to herself. She is our "watcher". Alex on the other hand is definitely mine. She wants to be in the middle and smile and laugh and be the center of attention. Its so fascniating and I love them both so much, and so equally. I was worried that one would be more than the other, but it couldn't be farthest from the reality. They are so different and it's easy to love them both. ANd I also love how protective they are of one another, already. Life is pretty freaking amazing.

Sleep is amazing!!

So it's been about a week and I think we are starting a new phase- sleeping through the night!!!! It's so incredible!!
They sleep from about 8 till anywhere between 5 and 6!! Sometimes one of them might wake and cry for a minute or two but they both have learned to fall back asleep!! Sorry for the multitudes of exclaimation points but how else does one convey such excitement!!
These girls are just getting to be so amazing. Not that they weren't before but holy hell, they are awe inspiring! They both have such personalities too.
Alex love to roll to her belly now, while Izzy is perfectly content to lay on her back watching the toys hang from their gym. Alex loves to try to hold her bottle and move around while Izzy is happy letting you feed her and her relax. Alex loves to stand with support, while Izzy wont put any weight on her legs. Izzy however loves to sit in her bumbo and play with her toys, while Alex just slumps over and could care less. Izzy loves to watch the world around her and Alex wants to tell everyone her stories. They are both so different and I love them both completely.
Another highlight from my weekend, is Chris deciding to go see a counselor. I think it's finally weighing on him. I am relieved. I never took offensive he didn't talk about things with me, but after so much time, I think he needs to talk to somoen. Today is a good day.

Only two more weeks left....

Is it sad that I am partially excited that I only have two weeks worth of pumped milk left?? So that means that in a few weeks, the nightmare of breastfeeding will come to an end. I know, I should stop complaining. Either shit or get off the pot, right?? Well I am still a masochist about the whole thing and can't seem to let it go. I know its the best thing for my girls and if I quit just cause I don't like it, then I am being super selfish. So I trudge along and keep going, but if I run out of back up supply, then we will have to go to formula to supplement, which means I might be done soon. Yippee :)

The girls are doing so well though. They have both cut thru their first tooth, Alex actually has her second one as well. I though teething would be horrible, but I was pleasantly suprised. It hasn't been that bad. Sure they are extra fussy and you can tell when they are in pain, but no screaming all night! It's been 4 days of them sleeping through the night, and that is WITH teething!! So great!!! 
They are both smiling even mnore, and laughing like a storm. They also are starting to talk a little more. A little part of me worries that they are a little behind in some of the developmental areas. But that is also me doing super paranoid which I know so I don't give it much creadence lol.
Well little miss Alex is awake. I love when I get a few moments alone with each to play and give loving to.

I was crazy back then....

So I just did something I haven't done since the beginning of this crazy adventure....I re-read my posts. All of them. And boy, if I knew then what I know now, I think it probably would have turned out the exact same!! Kathleen passing was horrible, and it will stay with us forever. I still cry every day. I still think about it constantly. But I have Izzy and Alex.
I am truly thankful that I can look at my beautiful girls and just smile at them. I can truly and completely love them and not worry about guilt from Kathleen's passing. I know now it's two seperate feelings and they don't have to battle each other, they can both precide in my head and I can have them both. I can love my twins, I can smile at them even when they are screaming or waking me up in the middle of the night. Some times I have to remind myself of this, because like most parents I loss prespective and want to yell and scream right back (especially in the middle of the night) but then I remind myself...LIFE IS SHORT. So what, you are exhausted??! It doesn't matter, take that beautiful crying baby in your arms and make her feel better and smile at her and she will know that you will always be there for her. It's the most amazing feeling when I can do this for my girls. It's pure love for them and it makes me feel amazing. They are both getting so big and more beautiful by the day. They still have my blue eyes and their daddy's eyelashes. I think we are goimg to have some stunning girls on our hands, which I can't wait to watch them grow up. But I also love just cherishing the moments we have with them. Their smiles. The first time they realized that there was another baby staring at them, that looked EXACTLY like the other lol. That was actually a funny moment. I love when they look at me with this look of complete trust and understanding of who I am to them. It melts my heart and I couldn't be happier.
Chris and I are still working through our stuff. We are still freakishly strong together but the stress of the last 6 months compounded by the stress of his work schedule last month really took it's toll on us. Our frustrations over everything could only be taken out on each other, unfortunatley so we are taking our time and being gentle with each other. Neither of us blames each other or have fought about it, buy I think we both know that we can only apologize so many times for snapping the other's head off before the apology losses it's merit.
I also have an appointment in two days to see my counselor again. I am feeling 100% better than I was a month ago, but I also want to make sure I am taking care of my health both physically and mentally and I don't want to brush anything under the rug. So hopefully that will only help me and Chris and our marriage.
And we have decided to finally do it.....no, not that silly!! We are going on a date night. Not sure when but we have decided to finally leave the girls alone without one of us in the house for an hour or so and go to dinner. This should be an interesting dinner.....

Breast feeding is a bitch, continued

So I was discussing the amazing thing that is the Nursing Bra. This silly piece of fabric saved my life. I no longer had to be awake to pump. I didn't have to worry about spilling milk all over me or spraying me in the face. So I pumped and I pumped and I pumped. All while my nipples healed. Well something that I didn't consider....babies use alot of energy to nurse and they can get super lazy and prefer bottles to the boob. So guess what?? My girls decided that nursing wasn't their thing anymore and if I tried to even sit down to nurse them, they would scream endlessly. Also a fun thing that happened that I also didn't anticipate was that with their heads getting bigger, they wouldnt be able to nurse without me holding my breast higher for them to latch on. So there goes nursing them at the same time. So now I have screaming babies who I can't nurse simultanously, and when I do get one to latch I have to hold my breast the entire time they are eating. Good times.
So now we have come full circle, we all are learning to nurse in essence, I can't nurse them at the same time, I am pumping as much as I can, and then the kicker happens...I begin to have post partum and my milk supply nearly vanishes. It doesn't help that during this time, I would rather do anything than hook myself up to the pump so instead of pumping everytime they feed, I begin to pump every 5 to 6 hours. Thankfully my husband and i are able to break through my depression and I begin to feel better, when we realize how crap, we are running low on milk and I am not preoducing like I used to. Plus the girls refuse to nurse. Really??? So this past week with a fresh mindset, I set upon getting the girls nursing again. I retired the huge ginromous nursing pillow. It was getting ridiculous, and if the girls are ging to scream every time I attempt to nurse then I might as well get them used to sitting in my lap in a regular rocker/recliner. So after the first attempt of holding, rocking, and consoling a screaming Alex, she finally opened her eyes, realized what was in front of her and latched on. VICTORY!!
Well I thought at least. The girls would scream and cry and go stiff as boards but if I stuck with it, they usually would give in and nurse. But something I knew would bite me in the ass but I didn't care at the time, was that I wasnt making sure the girls were latching properly. I knew it was bad, but I was more concerned with them just nursing again so I could get my milk supply back up.
It is now been about a week of this new "hell" and the girls both nursed at all but two feedings today. YIPPEE!!!
However (there is always a "however"), I almost screamed myself when Izzy latched on the last time. And now after some further investigation, my nipples are both beyond bruised. Even worse than before. Way worse.
So now what?? Continue nursing?? Go back to just pumping? Throw in the towel all together? Am I a masochist?? Stubborn? Stupid? Ugh, what to do??
Sleep is the only thing I can think of, past that...who the hell knows.


But I do want to make something perfectly clear. In all my bitching and moaning and groaning, I love my daughters more than words can express. When they smile at me or giggle or track where I am, my heart melts to know that these two beings are mine and Chris and we will lve them forever. These hardships and challenges are smal in the grand scheme of things. Only their well being, health and love is what matters.

Breast feeding is a bitch

Plain and simple. Holy hell this sucks. I am feeling better, but still have my moments. I have a much shorter fuse than I used to and unfortunately I take it out on Chris. So we both decided that we need to have a date night. We need to "rip the bandaid off" and leave the girls alone with someone. They are five months old and have never been without one of us except for two seperate hour trips to Target which I had to go grocery shopping and Chris was on twelves. But those were so extreme that I never had the opportunity to let it sink in that I wasn't there and neither was he. But for the health and longevity of our marriage, we need a date night. ASAP. So I asked a great friend of ours if she was willing to watch them with one of her teacher friends. Hopefully this will all work out.

NOw to the topic at hand. Holy shit, breastfeeding is a pain in my ass. Maybe it is because I have twins. Maybe it is because I have HUGE boobs. Maybe it's a combinations of these two things. Maybe it has nothing to do with either of them. Who the hell knows! All I do know is, breastfeeding is a pain in my ass!! So here it is from the beginning. The girls were born on time for being twins, but once they were out they were considered premies since they were born at 36 weeks. At 37 weeks, babies "suck" reflex matures. In essence, that means I got the short end of the stick. So I learned how to pump, I had to try and nurse one of them at every feeding and I also had the fun opportunity to use these "fun" nipple shields every time I nursed since the girls couldn't latch on by themselves. So every time I had a screaming hungry baby, I had to take the time to put on one of these silly shields, keep it on while I got the baby in place, usually have to set the baby down again to replace said silly shield, get the baby again, etc...you could see where that almost sent me over the edge. Then there is the fun pumping. Before I knew better, I held the cones in place. When you sleep only an hour at a time in the beginning, holding cones on your breasts is relatively impossible. I had the wonderful experience of losing suction once after falling asleep and sprayed myself in the face with milk. Another time, again after falling asleep, I lost suction and all of the milk I had pumped leaked all over my lap. These are good times.
So then one wonderful day, the girls figured out how to latch on themselves!!! Halleluhuh!!!! But then of course we all got lazy and I didn't pay attention, so they bruised the hell out of both my nipples. So badly that I had to stop nursing them for a few weeks to let them heal. So during this time, I was hooked to the machine 24/7 but thankfully by now i had learned of the best invention ever. The Nursing Bra. It's really a stretchy tube top with holes cut out for your nipples and a zipper in the front and you put the cones thru the holes and you no longer have to hold the damn cones while you pump!! So amazing.
But on that note, I have to go to bed. I am exhausted and I just cant type any more. I will continue my bitch fest about nursing soon....

Sleeping babies

One of my favorite things in the world is watching my girls sleep. They smile all the time, like they know something the rest of us don't. I heard from a few different people that when babies smile when sleeping they are seeing angels, which makes my heart just melt. They just seem so peaceful. I love this time of day. They are just swinging in their swings, no cares in the world.
But when they are like this, I just want to grab one and hold them on my chest and take a nap so I can get me some sleeping baby love. I love it when they sleep on my chest, even though they never seem to want to do it anymore. But sleeping babies are just so precious. I love them so much. The smile so much now and giggle and laugh more and more every day. It's so fascinating watching them grow. Alex is doing so wonderful at tummy time and just watching the world, while Izzy rolled from her tummy to her back today in front of Chris which I think just melted his heart since he misses so much.