Monday, January 9, 2012

Breast feeding is a bitch, continued

So I was discussing the amazing thing that is the Nursing Bra. This silly piece of fabric saved my life. I no longer had to be awake to pump. I didn't have to worry about spilling milk all over me or spraying me in the face. So I pumped and I pumped and I pumped. All while my nipples healed. Well something that I didn't consider....babies use alot of energy to nurse and they can get super lazy and prefer bottles to the boob. So guess what?? My girls decided that nursing wasn't their thing anymore and if I tried to even sit down to nurse them, they would scream endlessly. Also a fun thing that happened that I also didn't anticipate was that with their heads getting bigger, they wouldnt be able to nurse without me holding my breast higher for them to latch on. So there goes nursing them at the same time. So now I have screaming babies who I can't nurse simultanously, and when I do get one to latch I have to hold my breast the entire time they are eating. Good times.
So now we have come full circle, we all are learning to nurse in essence, I can't nurse them at the same time, I am pumping as much as I can, and then the kicker happens...I begin to have post partum and my milk supply nearly vanishes. It doesn't help that during this time, I would rather do anything than hook myself up to the pump so instead of pumping everytime they feed, I begin to pump every 5 to 6 hours. Thankfully my husband and i are able to break through my depression and I begin to feel better, when we realize how crap, we are running low on milk and I am not preoducing like I used to. Plus the girls refuse to nurse. Really??? So this past week with a fresh mindset, I set upon getting the girls nursing again. I retired the huge ginromous nursing pillow. It was getting ridiculous, and if the girls are ging to scream every time I attempt to nurse then I might as well get them used to sitting in my lap in a regular rocker/recliner. So after the first attempt of holding, rocking, and consoling a screaming Alex, she finally opened her eyes, realized what was in front of her and latched on. VICTORY!!
Well I thought at least. The girls would scream and cry and go stiff as boards but if I stuck with it, they usually would give in and nurse. But something I knew would bite me in the ass but I didn't care at the time, was that I wasnt making sure the girls were latching properly. I knew it was bad, but I was more concerned with them just nursing again so I could get my milk supply back up.
It is now been about a week of this new "hell" and the girls both nursed at all but two feedings today. YIPPEE!!!
However (there is always a "however"), I almost screamed myself when Izzy latched on the last time. And now after some further investigation, my nipples are both beyond bruised. Even worse than before. Way worse.
So now what?? Continue nursing?? Go back to just pumping? Throw in the towel all together? Am I a masochist?? Stubborn? Stupid? Ugh, what to do??
Sleep is the only thing I can think of, past that...who the hell knows.

But I do want to make something perfectly clear. In all my bitching and moaning and groaning, I love my daughters more than words can express. When they smile at me or giggle or track where I am, my heart melts to know that these two beings are mine and Chris and we will lve them forever. These hardships and challenges are smal in the grand scheme of things. Only their well being, health and love is what matters.

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