So I just did something I haven't done since the beginning of this crazy adventure....I re-read my posts. All of them. And boy, if I knew then what I know now, I think it probably would have turned out the exact same!! Kathleen passing was horrible, and it will stay with us forever. I still cry every day. I still think about it constantly. But I have Izzy and Alex.
I am truly thankful that I can look at my beautiful girls and just smile at them. I can truly and completely love them and not worry about guilt from Kathleen's passing. I know now it's two seperate feelings and they don't have to battle each other, they can both precide in my head and I can have them both. I can love my twins, I can smile at them even when they are screaming or waking me up in the middle of the night. Some times I have to remind myself of this, because like most parents I loss prespective and want to yell and scream right back (especially in the middle of the night) but then I remind myself...LIFE IS SHORT. So what, you are exhausted??! It doesn't matter, take that beautiful crying baby in your arms and make her feel better and smile at her and she will know that you will always be there for her. It's the most amazing feeling when I can do this for my girls. It's pure love for them and it makes me feel amazing. They are both getting so big and more beautiful by the day. They still have my blue eyes and their daddy's eyelashes. I think we are goimg to have some stunning girls on our hands, which I can't wait to watch them grow up. But I also love just cherishing the moments we have with them. Their smiles. The first time they realized that there was another baby staring at them, that looked EXACTLY like the other lol. That was actually a funny moment. I love when they look at me with this look of complete trust and understanding of who I am to them. It melts my heart and I couldn't be happier.
Chris and I are still working through our stuff. We are still freakishly strong together but the stress of the last 6 months compounded by the stress of his work schedule last month really took it's toll on us. Our frustrations over everything could only be taken out on each other, unfortunatley so we are taking our time and being gentle with each other. Neither of us blames each other or have fought about it, buy I think we both know that we can only apologize so many times for snapping the other's head off before the apology losses it's merit.
I also have an appointment in two days to see my counselor again. I am feeling 100% better than I was a month ago, but I also want to make sure I am taking care of my health both physically and mentally and I don't want to brush anything under the rug. So hopefully that will only help me and Chris and our marriage.
And we have decided to finally do it.....no, not that silly!! We are going on a date night. Not sure when but we have decided to finally leave the girls alone without one of us in the house for an hour or so and go to dinner. This should be an interesting dinner.....