It seems silly to count down and say another week down....it's not like I have a countdown. I mean I do, but thats not why I initially said another week down. Damn, it's a double edge sword.
At first, it's me counting down saying I made another week. I was able to live, and stay strong, and keep moving forward even though there are moments and times where giving up and doing nothing but stay in bed sounds amazing. The overwhelming grief that comes over me at times is unbearable. I think about Kathleen and it breaks my heart. But usually I cry or just breath through it and the pain subsides and finally I can think of her with a huge smile and even a laugh. Thankfully I have Chris. He is so incredibly strong. He does have his moments too, but nothing like me. Thank god we have each other.
Then my count down remark does make sense...since we have another week down till the girls get here. And it can't come soon enough. I want my body back. I want to sleep without having them controlling how I lie or how often I get up to pee. I want to have a glass of wine. Or a cold beer. I want to NOT be a human furnance in the middle of summer. And I really want to meet my girls. I hope that I can control my emotions- the joy and excitment while dealing with the sorrow and sadness. I think I should really talk to someone, make sure that I have all my brain in check. I have nothing against seeing a doc- done it before and will probably do it a few more times in my life. I find it healthy. And I think it'll help.
But this weekend it's all about Chris and Father's Day. So he can enjoy it. So I can tell him a million times over that he is one of the most amazing men I have met, and these girls of ours- all three of them- are so incredibly lucky to have him as their dad. Hope I can keep it together all weekend.