Monday, June 13, 2011

A roller coaster day

So today is not even half way over and it's already been a roller coaster of emotions. Pain. Love. Anxiety. Joy. Doubt. Excitement. Heart ache. Relief. Loss. All of this before 11 in the morning.

I didn't sleep very well last night so this morning I tried to stay in bed and get a few more hours once Chris got up. I did end up sleeping but it was the super light, crazy vivid dreams sleep that I don't really like. So when I woke up, I just felt like I was in a funk. A super funk. I hate these types of funks, cause I feel horrible until something snaps me out of it.
So I just waited for something to happen- good or bad- to snap me out of it. As I was driving into work, still all funky, I started to cry. Just missing Kathleen so much. Wishing I could go back and hug her more. Or tell her more how amazing she was. But I know that this is silly- I told her these things EVERY day. it was almost excessive how much I told her so these thoughts are just silly, and are the grief talking. My next thoughts were I wish I could tell all of my friends and people I see to really cherish their children. To hug them tighter, to not sweat the small stuff so much, to just love their children and never take them for granted. That life is too flipping short and when things like this happen you will always have those types of regrets.
And then the sledgehammer hit me. No snapping me out of it this time, it was like a bulldozer. Life is too short. Life is just too short. So why in the fuck am I sitting in my car crying when I loved Kathleen more than life itself and she loved me back? Why am I crying when I have the most amazing man for my husband who literally has been so strong through this whole thing and we have only become stronger? Why am I crying when I have these two beautiful girls growing in my belly? Would I give anythign to have Kathleen back?? In a heartbeat, but I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and she is in such a better place now.
She is speaking in beautiful long sentences, she is watching all the Nascar and Cars and Toy Story and Lion King she can, she is meeting her family that has passed before her and she is looking down on us with that beautiful smiel of hers.
Will I cry more? Absolutely. Will I still have horrible days/mornings/moments? Of course. Did today help me in my greiving process? More than I can describe.

My girls are healthy and happy. They will be here in 7 weeks...ish. Lets see if they listen to their mommy and daddy :)

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