Friday, June 10, 2011

The first week down

It's Friday of my first week back to work and somehow I survived. I now know that I have to have a solid and full to do list, and to do my best not to get lazy. Once I lose my focus and motivation, my brain has a tendency to wander and that leads to tears. Some days it was just a few rolling down my check while I typed mindlessly away, and others were full on convulsions. If I wasn't so large and pregnant, the convulsations probably would have had me on the floor in fetal position. But instead, I just sat in my chair, crying, sobbing, both thinking of Kathleen and trying NOT to think about her.
My cousin Jenn, who lost her husband. Wait, before I say anything more about Jen. I want to vent about the use of the term "lose" or "lost" when it comes to someone dying. Who the hell came up with that terminology?? It's not like I woke up one morning and Kathleen just didn't come home cause she was lost. I didn't lose her in a store and at a park. She isn't a toy or my keys that I can't seem to find in my house. She was a wonderful, breathing, beautiful human being that was a victim of an accident. Plain and simple but why is the term "lost" so coloquial?? I guess it might come from people saying to others like me "I am sorry for your loss" but I still find it strange to say I lost her, or that my cousin lost her husband.
He was killed in a motocycle accident. Again, that term- "accident". Another one I have to wrap my head around sometimes. With accidents, there are no warnings. No signals that say "honey, make this goodbye worth it cause it's the last". No time to brace for the shock and pain. Just immediate and strange and excruciating. Anyways, she text me this week to check in. And I said I was holding up. Thats my phrase. I am holding up/hanging in there/etc. And she said one of the best things that has actually helped this week....

  • You are right life will become "easier". The times you have to yourself when the memories and thoughts come flooding back, EMBRACE them. Too many people try to avoid thinking of their loved ones because of the pain, bit the best thing to do is sit and appreciate this time of reflection, it's healing. It will take time, but someday your thoughts of Kathleen will be happy and without tears. Remember to take quiet time to yourself and with Chris. heal as individuals and as partners.
These words really hit me hard. For so much of the last few weeks, I didn't want to breakdown. I thought if I did, it was weak of me. And I couldn't be weak. But what she said really sunk in and gave me a new outlook. It's still pain and horrible sometimes when I think of her...but I let the pain in and appreciate it. And shockingly enough, it doenst last long. Usually within a few minutes, I have a smile on my face because of the memory that first began the tears makes me really think about Kathleen, and that was her gift- making others smile from the bottom of their hearts.

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