Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day

We both knew this day would be hell. We both wanted to make sure that we celebrated all of the fathers in our lives, but also not to take away from Chris' pain as he dealt with this day without Kathleen.
I woke up thinking I would be strong and I could go all day without crying- he needed me to be that strong for him. Well I didn't last 5 minutes. Some moments it was just me taking a moment, some moments were for a full tear to stream down my check, while other moments were full on sobs. It didn't matter what I thought about, it always came back to Kathleen.
There was the guilt I felt- this past mother's day, Kathleen woke me up and we had a great day together. She even told me "Happy Mother's Day, Steph" without being prompted...she just said it like she knew it was that day. She told me a million times how much she loved me and how I was her Steph. And this is the part that killed me today. Knowing that Chris wouldn't get to her those words today. He wouldn't get to hear her say so proudly "Happy Father's Day, daddy" like I wanted to pratice her saying. She wouldn't give him gifts that she made at day care like she had given me. These thoughts just brought me to my knees and broke my heart. I haven't told him any of this, I am sure he has had his own thoughts on the subject and is dealing with his own pain on the need for me to add my own guilt to his pain and heartache.
We went to the cemetary, he wanted to pay his respects to his dad and also say hi to her and Justin his brother. The boy's graves are a dual, so we went these first and said our peace. Since I didn't know Bruce I just thanked him for giving me Chris, and raising such an amazing husband and father. I am not sure how him and Brenda did it, but damn they helped make their son an absolutely amazing person. I also said my peace to Justin- he died too young and I would have liked to have gotten to know him better, also I feel for Payge and Landon- his two children. But if I have to find some closure with Kathleen, I also have to feel that there is a reason that Justin died when he did.
Then we started walking back to the car, and I just couldn't stop crying. Knowing we were going to see her grave. It ws torture. Then I look at him and he is dry eyed. Not sure how he does it. It's amazing how strong he can be. We go and see hi. I usually talk out loud when we have gone to her gravesite before, but I noticed that he never does. So today, I stood there in silence and said my thoughts to her in my head. And he did the same. We just stood there, grieving silently, mourning her, missing her, loving her, without words. We got back into the car and I mentioned how strong he was. That is when he let me know that he alread had his full on break was this morning when we woke up and I was in the bathroom. I love that we can respect each other enough to not push our own way to grieve on the other. I am all about sharing, while he prefers to do it on his own when he feels the need to do so. I would love for him to open out more and really talk about his feelings, but I know that is me being selfish. He doesn't need that, I want that. He needs to be able to grieve how ever he needs. And I have to support that- which thankfully isn't that difficult. Sometimes I find myself wanting him to share more, but then I remind myself that he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready. Past that I just have to trust him, and our bond in this marriage. Which I am also thankful to say is pretty f-ing strong. I am not sure how I would have gotten through this if it wasn't for him and his courage and strength. It is truly an amazing thing.

The bright side in all of this is tomorrow, we get to go see the girls and how much they have grown. I love the ultrasounds where he can come and see them. The smile on his face is one of the most breathtaking things in this world that I have seen- it's pure and absolute pride and joy, happiness and excitement. And lately, these are the emotions that can really make our days, so to be able to share them together now has an even stronger meaning.

So today has been 4 weeks exactly since we hugged our little miss good-bye, told her to be good for her aunt april and got ready for our friends wedding. That night will stay with us forever, but I am hoping that one day soon the pain will ease and our memories of Kathleen will stay as strong as they were just yesterday and we can look at them with smiles and happiness. One day.....

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