Monday, June 20, 2011

Anger Day

Today was an angry day....with some amazing news in the middle.

The baby girls are a total of 7 pounds. Both are doing amazing and the doctors are just thrilled with my progress. I am at 29 weeks- they say 32 weeks would be good, 34 weeks would be awesome and 36 is fan-freaking-tastic so I guess time will tell what happens the next few weeks. Such happy news!!

The I left the doc's office, and somehow the anger just crept up over me. I was driving along and just started crying. But not the normal breakdown- this time it was pure anger. Anger at the world. Anger at the powers that be. Anger at the people who were at the pool. Anger at god or whoever is in control. Just pure complete anger. I want her back. I want to hear her laugh and tell me she loves me. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to see Chris' face when she says she loves her daddy. I want it all back. And I know that getting angry will do nothing, but I just couldn't help it. I started yelling in my car and crying more.
Then finally it subsided. Not fully, not completely, but enough where I could drive safely. I just took about a million or so deep breaths and the horrible feeling finally went away. Which I am thankful for. I am not a hateful person. I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I hate this accident. But I don't hate the people that were there. I don't hate anything else, but this feeling might come back which I think is normal but I hope it doesn't.
Ok, now it's time to hit the hay.Tired and feel slightly beat up. But also very happy. Ugh, the roller coaster continues....

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