It's been crazy around here, but we survived Christmas. It actually wasn't that bad, but I think it was mostly due to Chris being home the whole weekend. Not sure I could have survived his family invading our house without him here.
Plus my moods have definitely leveled out. I truly think that it could so dark because I was lonely. One of my friends just emailed me saying she had read my previous posts and she understood what I have been feeling. And honestly, I already feel so much better!! It's crazy to think that just a single person saying "I know exactly what you are going through" when all you feel is alone in the world can really lift your spirits. As she said, your life gets thrown for a loop when you become a stay at home mom. Everyone from the outside thinks that it's rainnbows and unicorns and so easy (or at least I did!!!) but the reality is, you lose a part of your identity when you take on this job. And it's a full time job. It's hard and difficult and exhausting and never ending. BUt also the most rewarding, amazing, life fullfilling, life affirming, wonderful things I have ever done. But I think people need to know that its not just TV and taking naps- I at least knew that much, but I didn't comprehend how much of your life changes and how your own sense of self changes. You are no longer a professional who makes a pay check and works hard where your work can be seen and appreciated by a boss. It is a silent job where very few people will ever see all you do and how hard it is. Thankfully I have an amazoing husband who does appreciate the work but I think even he doesn't fully understand how challenging it can be. To have to nurse the girls, or deal with them screaming because they dont want to nurse, and then to have to pump to make sure my supply doesn't go away, all the while that being just a single feeding.
On the flip side, I absolutely love my children and my life. I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and be able to watch them grow and see all the wonderous firsts and acheivements.
I am also thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. I am truly lucky to have so many people around me who love and support us. I don't think we would have survived Kathleen's death without all of them.
Well thats it for today. Need to get lunch, do laundy, take a shower and also pump all while the girls take their mid day nap. Let's hope Izzy decides to sleep in her crib, but I know inevitable I will have to get her and put her in her swing. It's just how it works.