It is so crazy how one day I can feel like the world is ending and cant seem to get out of my funk, but other days seem to be just fine and make me second guess whether I have PPD. But I think that unto itself makes me think I definitely do. Which I am ok with, but I just wish that it didnt feel like it was such a taboo. I know in all the baby books I read they talked about PPD and said that it is so much more socially acceptable, but it still feels like I am the only person I know that has experienced this. No one I know has mentioned they battled it. My close friends who have had children both said that they were fine. A part of me doesn't care. I have battled depression before and I am huge advocate that it shouldn't be something you should be ashamed of, but there is a small part of me that is terrified to admit it out loud to anyone but Chris.
But yesterday was better. It was the first day I was completely by myself with my girls with no help and I survived. It was long and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but what day am I not exhausted?? Plus it was nice because I was able to play with them and make my own schedule with them without having to conisder my help. It was all up to me and it felt great. I didn't have to explain to another person what we were going to do next or who I was going to feed or what outfit to put on them (not that I care about any of that, but it always seems to come up with my helpers lol).
Today is going to be great too, I am hoping. I am taking the girls to some of friends of ours. It rare for us to get out of the house except to go to the breastfeeding support group so this will be one of about 3 times we have ventured out to just "have fun". I am slightly scared though. I am not sure what to bring. Let me explain. When moms go out with a single baby, they don't have to worry about who will take care of their child. It will be them. If the baby fusses or need consoling, or needs to be carried or fed, its all on that mom. Well with twins and Chris working, it's just me. So should I bring toys to preoccupy one twin if I have to carry the other. Do I bring a bouncy chair so they can nap (and refuse to sleep in their car seats which they hate). Do I bring my floor mat which they love, but would mean that my friends would have to put their dogs outside. Is that asking too much? See, it's not as easy as just grab a child and go. Plus what happens if both get fussy. Then I have to expect one of the people at the party to hold a screaming child. Oh yeah, that this sounds like fun (ugh!), but at the same time I HAVE to get out of this house and get used to getting out with them!! Well they are both waking up so here we go. Wish me luck.