Thursday, December 29, 2011

Such beautiful responses

Yesterday I decided to put it out in there in the world (i.e. Facebook) that I was writing this silly, emotional vomit of a blog. And honestly I can't believe the response I have gotten so far!! Friends, some whom I talk to on a regular basis and others I haven't talked to in years but who are still my "friends", all reached out to me to tell me how much my story means to them. Or how brave they think I am. Or how I said out loud what they had only thought to themselves. I don't want credit or kudos for sharing this, that is not why I did it. I shared it because if anyone out there feels as lost and/or as isolated as I have felt this past month, then I hope this can show them that they aren't alone. That at least I am in the same boat. I feel the same feelings. I know alot of the people who have reached out to me say that they cant imagine what I am going through because of losing Kathleen, but I think they all need to realize that while they might not have lost a child like I did, the other feelings are just as strong and powerful, and scary and suffocating. We all experience different things in our lives and while it is all different, it doesn't mean that one life has had worse things happen than others- it's all subjective in my opinion. I see it like this- so many people see my girls and say "wow, what would it be like to have triplets??" In my head, I can't even imagine what that would be like. Its almost my worst nightmare...I already don't get enough sleep, my milk supply is waning, and I already need to have someone here most of the time to help, so how do people do it when they have three babies??!!! Well that is just the just do it. You don't know any different. I think now how incredibly hard it would be to have had Kathleen around the last few months and taking care of the babies and Chris and I have both admitted that life would be so much harder (yes, of course we would give anyting for her to come back, but we talk about everything including that life is easier without her. It might sound horrible, but it's the ugly ugly truth). But on the flip side, if Kathleen hadn't passed away, we would know no different and would have survived. See, every life is different and somehow we survive. My cousin Katie just had her twins and she is doing it all by herself, which blows my mind since I haven't had more than a handful of days all by myself. Do I beat myself up for feeling inadaquate?? Hell yes. Do I wonder how she can handle it and I can't? Hell yes. Is it a constant struggle not to compare? Absolutely, but then I have those moments where I remind myself "what does it matter"

So this whole post partum thing. It just blows my mind. I feel horrible for all the women from previous generations who couldn't talk about it or suffered in silence. I think of my grandmother and wonder if she had to deal with it. She was a military wife. She had two young children to take care of while my grandfather was stationed in Germany during the war. I can only imagine the type of crushing depression she might have felt. But I will never know since she and so many others couldn't talk about it.
I find it strange. In so many of the books I read while pregnant, they mention PPD. And warn against it and explain all the warning signs. I knew them all. I knew that it could happen months after giving birth. I knew that I was probably more suseptable to it. I knew to watch for it. I even saw a therapist to try to "prevent" it, or at least deal with as much of my Kathleen drama as I could. But then it was like a shadow that slowly and without my knowledge crept over me until I was so surrounded by the darkness that it had almost fully taken me over.
It's now been about a month and after writing in here and talking openly with my husband, and also making an appointment with my therapist I am starting to feel like me again. Not the old me though. A different version of me that I am still trying to work out. The me that will find contentment and happiness with being a stay at home mom.

On that note, their giggles and smiles are my world right now. I could be in the worse mood or be absolutely exhausted and then one of them will look at me and smile one of their amazing and beautiful smiles and I melt. I am reminded about how Kathleen's laugh could fill a room and I think that my girls will have the same effect. My memories of Kathleen as starting to fade which is one of my worst fears, but I also have so many of them that it helps fill the void left by her. I think because of everything, I do have the uphand with some stuff. I can remind myself quickly that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff. So when Izzy refuses to take a nap in her crib or Alex refuses to nurse, I just smile and think- thank you god for bringing me these girls, they are perfect. The rest of it just fades away when I can take that moment and breath and just soak up how perfect they are.

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